life after Divorce

Guest Blog by ‘Scary Mommy’ Founder Jill Smokler: So, Your Spouse is Gay.

It’s been a while. A year and a half, actually, since I announced the end of my marriage.

Related: Q&A with Jill Smokler, Founder of ‘Scary Mommy,’ on Life After Divorce

When the news came out, I was bombarded with messages from fellow gay spouses all around the world. The letters of support were easy to respond to, and so very much appreciated. The other letters, however – the ones seeking my advice – were an entirely different story. Barely functioning myself, I found it impossible to offer anything to anyone, never mind words of wisdom.

It sucks, was all I could muster up. Finding out your spouse is gay just really fucking sucks.

Well it’s been 18 months, and it still sucks… but it’s also getting better. So, in response to those who reached out to me, and anyone else who might find this helpful, please know this:

You aren’t alone. I know feels like you are the only person in the world who knows this exact pain, but you aren’t. It feels shameful and suffocating and there are countless people out there feeling the exact same way.

Don’t believe me? Run to the Straight Spouse Network. They offer tons of support like private Facebook groups, in person get-togethers, and tons of stories from people who’ve been there, done that. I never ventured into the in person stuff, but everyone I met online was kind, helpful and understanding. If you do nothing else, poke around the site.

It’s not your fault. I hesitate to even say that because OF COURSE it’s not your fault, but being told your spouse is gay is a total mind fuck so you might need to hear it: This isn’t your fault, you did nothing wrong and this isn’t about you.

It’s OK to be angry. It took me a long time to realize that it’s possible to both love and support your spouse and be angry with them at the same time. Look at me, multi-tasking!

No, this isn’t easier than a “normal” marriage ending. I can’t tell you how many times people tried to comfort me with “at least you know it wasn’t you” like that made the situation any easier. With a gay spouse, you’re not only mourning the end of your marriage (at least as you knew it before,) but also the end of the person you love (at least as you loved them before.)  I won’t say it’s harder than any other marriage, but it sure as hell isn’t easier.

Tell someone… anyone. For 18 years, I didn’t tell a soul about the inner workings of my marriage and there’s no shortage to the ways I’m paying for that now. Even if it’s on an anonymous message board, someone is out there, waiting to offer you support – accept it.

Finally, it gets better. I mean, I won’t say it gets FABULOUS, but it does get better. Really, it does.

And hopefully, eventually, it will get fabulous.

This post originally ran here, on Jill’s blog. Reposted on Hello Divorce with permission.

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