No matter how old you are, it can still rock your world when you learn of your parents’ intent to divorce. These two people are the very foundation of your past, your memories, and your upbringing. Every holiday, every birthday, every graduation, every pivotal moment of your life likely centered around them and your own personal family “story.”
However, whether the divorce surprises you or not, it’s important to maintain boundaries and not get caught up in the dynamics that may arise between your parents in their new identity: divorcing spouses.
Setting and maintaining boundaries is an important aspect of establishing what you want and expect from those around you. When you establish limitations and someone crosses them, you know it from the resulting feelings you experience, particularly when you feel resentful or taken advantage of.
Protecting boundaries is important to your mental health and maturity. But what happens when your parents become the ones to push your boundaries, and you suddenly feel like you’re being manipulated or catapulted back to your childhood?
Young children of divorce will not have the sense of self to establish boundaries with their divorcing parents, so it’s important for parents not to put them in the middle. When children are young, boundary-setting must be done by the divorcing parents.
In young adulthood, kids may feel caught in the middle of their parents’ divorce, perhaps being asked to take sides or listen to one parent complain about the other. For young adults who still live with their parents, establishing and maintaining these boundaries can be challenging, but they can shut it down by refusing to side with one parent or take part in parent-bashing.
When children of divorcing parents are adults, they are better able to establish good boundaries. But even then, it can be difficult, especially if they feel drawn to the plight of one parent over the other. It’s at this stage that they can be most effective at standing their ground and refusing to take part in the push and pull of their parents’ divorce.
If you’re being drawn into the stress of your parents’ divorce, check your own emotions. How has this impacted your vision of your life? Have you been personally triggered by your parents’ divorce? Your feelings are valid, and you have every right to grieve. But you also have the right to your own mental health by allowing your parents to fight their own battles.
Divorce is difficult not only for the divorcing couple but also for others in the family. Whether you are a young child or an adult child of divorce, your health and well-being should not be collateral damage in your parents’ divorce. Setting boundaries is essential for anyone who is navigating a divorce or feels caught up in a family member’s divorce.
You may consider getting the help of a therapist or support group to help you understand these dynamics and protect your mental health in the process. At Hello Divorce, we are committed to helping families navigate divorce, enabling them to look forward to the future with optimism.
Is it my responsibility to fix my parents’ divorce?
No. Their marriage, conflict, and decisions are their responsibility. You are not the mediator, problem-solver, or emotional caretaker.
What should I do if a parent vents to me?
Set a boundary with kindness. You can say you care but can’t take sides or hear adult details. Redirect them to a therapist, friend, or professional.
How do I avoid being put in the middle?
Avoid relaying messages, giving opinions about the other parent, or sharing information one parent asks you to keep secret.
What if a parent expects me to choose sides?
You’re allowed to remind them you love both parents and won’t take sides. Choosing sides is harmful and not your role.
Is it okay to create distance from the conflict?
Yes. Protecting your emotional health is healthy. Stepping back doesn’t mean you don’t care—it means you’re respecting your boundaries.
Who can I talk to about how I’m feeling?
Talk to a therapist, trusted adult, or friend who isn’t involved in the conflict. You deserve support too.
Recognize what’s yours—and what isn’t
Their marriage and conflict are not your responsibility. Release the pressure to fix or manage their emotions.
Set clear boundaries
Politely decline conversations about legal issues, blame, or emotional venting. Use simple phrases like “I care, but I can’t be in the middle.”
Avoid being the messenger
Don’t pass along messages, complaints, or information between parents. This keeps you out of triangulation.
Limit exposure to conflict
Leave the room, take a walk, or step away from heated conversations. You don’t need to absorb their stress.
Get emotional support elsewhere
Talk to a counselor or a trusted adult who can help you process your feelings without pulling you into the conflict.
Stay focused on your own life
Prioritize school, friendships, hobbies, and goals. Keeping your own world intact creates stability and relief.
Create a self-care plan
Include exercise, rest, journaling, or calming routines to counter stress from the household tension.
Suggested reading: What It’s Like Being the Kid of Parents Who Divorced Wisely