It’s difficult to navigate a marriage when the person you love has posttraumatic stress disorder or PTSD. But while you understand they’re suffering, you’re suffering in your own way. As much as you care about them, their emotional turmoil can become your emotional turmoil.
If your spouse's symptoms of PTSD have upended your life together, what can you do?
PTSD is a mental health condition that can result when a person experiences or witnesses a traumatic event. While PTSD is often thought of in terms of military service and life-threatening war trauma, many other traumatic scenarios can trigger it as well. They include the following:
PTSD can set in later, often well after the original event, but it can make the person suffering feel like they are experiencing the event over and over. It doesn’t just go away on its own, and it can affect all areas of a person’s life.
In the flurry of modern life, it can be hard to know when your loved one is suffering. Everyday interactions can cause misunderstandings and tension. But PTSD is something altogether different than normal tension; it stems from a severe traumatic experience (or multiple experiences).
Your spouse may not need an official diagnosis of PTSD for you to consider that they’re suffering from it. If they’ve experienced a traumatic event in their life and show symptoms like these, PTSD may be the culprit:
Unfortunately, when a person has PTSD, it can interfere with their entire life, including their marriage.
PTSD can affect every aspect of your relationship. Your spouse, who may have once been carefree and fun to be around, may react to everything differently. Loud noises may trigger flashbacks. Small incidents may be blown out of proportion. They may struggle with alcohol or drug addiction. As a result, you may feel lost and alone as the chasm widens between you.
PTSD can cause the following problems in a relationship:
You may still care about your spouse, but you may feel that the person you fell in love with is no longer the person you’re married to. You may not be sure you can spend the rest of your life this way. However, contemplating divorce may make you feel sad – and guilty.
You might consider some alternatives before you take the divorce plunge.
PTSD is a mental health issue. There are a lot of resources online, such as NAMI, where you can find information about PTSD and understand how it’s affecting your spouse. You might also find a mental health professional experienced in trauma and PTSD treatment.
Note that substance abuse and PTSD often go hand-in-hand. If your spouse has a coexisting substance abuse problem, a therapist who is trained in both trauma and substance abuse could be a good resource.
Here are some resources for accurate and comprehensive information on PTSD:
NIMH offers detailed information on PTSD, including a list of symptoms, diagnosis, treatment options, and advice for those who are seeking help.
APA provides scientifically backed articles about PTSD, its causes, and approaches to treatment.
This center specializes in veterans and their families affected by PTSD, offering research, self-help tools, and treatment options.
You may find local in-person groups, and there are also groups on Facebook, such as PTSD Buddies and Healing Path to Complex PTSD Recovery.
If your spouse’s behavior has become aggressive and volatile, your safety is paramount. If you decide to suggest divorce, make sure you’re safe when that discussion occurs or when you serve them with divorce papers. If you tell them in person, seek a public or neutral place, and have another trusted person present.
If your spouse’s reaction to the divorce conversation makes you concerned about your safety, consider staying with friends or family temporarily.
Keep records of all your interactions with your spouse during the divorce process, especially if you fear for your or your children’s safety and well-being.
Remember that self-compassion is necessary to get through this time. Find a therapist of your own, join a support group, or surround yourself with trusted friends and family. While you’re navigating this challenging time, it’s important to prioritize yourself.
Ending your marriage can evoke guilt and shame, even in the best situations. When your spouse suffers from a mental illness, giving yourself a free pass can be even more difficult. It’s important to remember that doing what is best for you after everything you’ve been through is neither insensitive nor selfish.
There are several unique legal considerations to be aware of listed below.
If your spouse’s PTSD severely affects their mental health, the court may order a psychological evaluation to determine their competency in handling legal proceedings or making decisions about finances and custody.
In extreme cases, if your spouse is unable to advocate for themselves due to PTSD, the court may appoint a guardian ad litem (a legal representative) to protect their interests during the divorce.
PTSD can sometimes lead to higher conflict. This can complicate negotiations and may require mediation or alternative dispute resolution methods to manage the situation more effectively.
If your spouse’s PTSD symptoms include violent or unpredictable behavior, you may need to seek protective orders to ensure your safety and that of your children.
If your spouse is unable to work due to PTSD, they may not be able to pay child support or they may require more child support.
Courts may consider the spouse’s treatment plan in all decisions. It’s important to show the court how your spouse’s condition is being managed and whether they are receiving proper treatment.
If your spouse receives disability (SSDI) payments due to PTSD, these payments can influence the division of assets or spousal support, although they are typically not subject to direct division as marital property.
Divorcing a spouse with PTSD involves additional legal considerations, particularly regarding mental health, parenting capacity, and financial support. It's important to have legal counsel experienced in dealing with mental health-related divorce cases to ensure a fair and compassionate resolution while protecting your legal rights.
At Hello Divorce, we’re dedicated to supporting the needs of people in difficult relationship circumstances. While we offer online divorce plans, we also offer other professional resources for those navigating divorce or beyond. Let us help. Schedule a free call to learn more.
Can PTSD affect the divorce process?
Yes. PTSD can influence communication, conflict, emotional regulation, and decision-making. It may require slower pacing, clearer boundaries, and professional support to keep the process stable.
Is it safe to divorce a spouse with PTSD?
Yes, but safety planning matters. PTSD can heighten panic, anger, or avoidance. If there is volatility, threats, or a history of violence, create a safety plan and work with professionals who understand trauma.
Should I stay because my spouse has PTSD?
No one is required to stay in a marriage that is unhealthy or unsafe. You can care about their wellbeing and still choose divorce if the relationship is no longer workable.
How can I communicate effectively during the divorce?
Use short, clear written messages, avoid emotional triggers, and stick to logistics. Structured communication reduces misunderstandings fueled by PTSD symptoms.
Will the court consider PTSD in custody decisions?
Courts look at safety, stability, and a parent’s ability to meet a child’s needs. PTSD alone doesn’t disqualify a parent—unmanaged symptoms that affect caregiving might.
Can we use mediation if one spouse has PTSD?
Often, yes. Many mediators use trauma-informed approaches. But if there is intimidation, fear, or emotional dysregulation, a more structured or attorney-assisted process may be safer.
Assess safety and stability first
Consider whether symptoms like anger, panic, or dissociation create risk. If so, create a safety plan and use structured communication and professional support.
Set clear communication boundaries
Use short, written messages focused on logistics. Avoid emotional debates and stick to one issue per message.
Gather documents early
PTSD symptoms may delay or complicate paperwork. Collect financial and legal documents before the process becomes stressful.
Choose a trauma-informed process
Select mediation or legal help from professionals experienced in PTSD to avoid escalation and encourage cooperation.
Protect your boundaries
Decide what topics you’ll engage on, when you’ll step away, and how to respond to emotional triggers or manipulation.
Plan for co-parenting with structure
Create predictable routines, written plans, and clear expectations. Stability supports both the child and the parent with PTSD.
Get your own support
Work with a therapist or coach to manage stress, avoid guilt-driven decisions, and stay grounded throughout the divorce.