Divorcing a Spouse with PTSD

• What is PTSD?
• Symptoms of PTSD
• PTSD and relationships
• Divorce and PTSD
• Learn about PTSD
• Tips: safety & coping
• Legal considerations
• Conclusion

It’s difficult to navigate a marriage when the person you love has posttraumatic stress disorder or PTSD. But while you understand they’re suffering, you’re suffering in your own way. As much as you care about them, their emotional turmoil can become your emotional turmoil.

If your spouse's symptoms of PTSD have upended your life together, what can you do?

What is PTSD?

PTSD is a mental health condition that can result when a person experiences or witnesses a traumatic event. While PTSD is often thought of in terms of military service and life-threatening war trauma, many other traumatic scenarios can trigger it as well. They include the following:

• Sexual assault
• A serious car crash
• Physical and mental abuse
• Harassment and bullying
• Seeing someone hurt or killed
• Continual exposure to stressful events during your job, such as being a first responder
• Experiencing any type of violence when you fear for your life
• Experiencing a natural disaster

PTSD can set in later, often well after the original event, but it can make the person suffering feel like they are experiencing the event over and over. It doesn’t just go away on its own, and it can affect all areas of a person’s life.

In the flurry of modern life, it can be hard to know when your loved one is suffering. Everyday interactions can cause misunderstandings and tension. But PTSD is something altogether different than normal tension; it stems from a severe traumatic experience (or multiple experiences).

Symptoms of PTSD

Your spouse may not need an official diagnosis of PTSD for you to consider that they’re suffering from it. If they’ve experienced a traumatic event in their life and show symptoms like these, PTSD may be the culprit: 

• Severe bouts of moodiness, distress, irritability, or anger
• Recurring memories or nightmares about the incident
• Rapid breathing, sweating, or nausea when thinking about the event
• Flashbacks, or feeling like they are reliving the incident
• Hypervigilance or continually feeling “on guard”
• Emotional numbness
• Avoidance
• Physical symptoms like headaches, chest pain, and dizziness
• Inability to remember important details of the event
• Insomnia
• Anxiety
• Addictive behavior
• Gaslighting behavior
• Negative thoughts and feelings of hopelessness
• Suicidal thoughts

Unfortunately, when a person has PTSD, it can interfere with their entire life, including their marriage. 

PTSD affects relationships

PTSD can affect every aspect of your relationship. Your spouse, who may have once been carefree and fun to be around, may react to everything differently. Loud noises may trigger flashbacks. Small incidents may be blown out of proportion. They may struggle with alcohol or drug addiction. As a result, you may feel lost and alone as the chasm widens between you. 

PTSD can cause the following problems in a relationship:

• Communication problems: Conversations may now feel heavy and often end in misunderstandings and disagreements.
• Emotional distance: Your spouse may have become detached, and the intimacy you once shared may be gone.
• Hyper-arousal and irritability: Your partner may easily startle or become irritable over even the most minor incidents.
• Loss of trust: Your spouse may feel unsafe and threatened. They may not trust the outside world, including you.
• Avoidant behavior: Even if your spouse used to love social gatherings, they may now avoid them altogether. As a consequence, you may feel isolated from the very people who could be your best support system.
• Strain on your mental health: You may feel that the closeness you once shared is gone. You may feel like a caregiver instead of a spouse, and you may feel burned out and resentful.

Do you want to divorce your spouse with PTSD?

You may still care about your spouse, but you may feel that the person you fell in love with is no longer the person you’re married to. You may not be sure you can spend the rest of your life this way. However, contemplating divorce may make you feel sad – and guilty. 

You might consider some alternatives before you take the divorce plunge.

Understand and address the problem

PTSD is a mental health issue. There are a lot of resources online, such as NAMI, where you can find information about PTSD and understand how it’s affecting your spouse. You might also find a mental health professional experienced in trauma and PTSD treatment. 

Note that substance abuse and PTSD often go hand-in-hand. If your spouse has a coexisting substance abuse problem, a therapist who is trained in both trauma and substance abuse could be a good resource.

Best resources to learn about PTSD

Here are some resources for accurate and comprehensive information on PTSD:

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)

NIMH offers detailed information on PTSD, including a list of symptoms, diagnosis, treatment options, and advice for those who are seeking help. 

American Psychological Association (APA)

APA provides scientifically backed articles about PTSD, its causes, and approaches to treatment.

National Center for PTSD (U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs)

This center specializes in veterans and their families affected by PTSD, offering research, self-help tools, and treatment options.

PTSD support groups for encouragement and support

You may find local in-person groups, and there are also groups on Facebook, such as PTSD Buddies and Healing Path to Complex PTSD Recovery. 

Safety & coping tips

If your spouse’s behavior has become aggressive and volatile, your safety is paramount. If you decide to suggest divorce, make sure you’re safe when that discussion occurs or when you serve them with divorce papers. If you tell them in person, seek a public or neutral place, and have another trusted person present. 

If your spouse’s reaction to the divorce conversation makes you concerned about your safety, consider staying with friends or family temporarily. 

Document everything

Keep records of all your interactions with your spouse during the divorce process, especially if you fear for your or your children’s safety and well-being.

Self-care

Remember that self-compassion is necessary to get through this time. Find a therapist of your own, join a support group, or surround yourself with trusted friends and family. While you’re navigating this challenging time, it’s important to prioritize yourself. 

Process the guilt

Ending your marriage can evoke guilt and shame, even in the best situations. When your spouse suffers from a mental illness, giving yourself a free pass can be even more difficult. It’s important to remember that doing what is best for you after everything you’ve been through is neither insensitive nor selfish. 

Recommended reading:

• Pre-Leaving Checklist
• Tips for Divorce During an Illness or Health Crisis
• Mood Disorders, Marriage, and Divorce
• Can You Get PTSD from Divorce?
• Divorcing a Spouse with a Victim Mentality

Legal considerations in divorcing a spouse with PTSD

There are several unique legal considerations to be aware of listed below.

1. Custody and parenting

• Parenting ability: If PTSD affects your spouse’s ability to parent, courts may assess their mental health to determine the best custody arrangement for the children. Factors such as stability, ability to manage stress, and safety are considered.
• Parenting plans: Create a parenting plan that accommodates your spouse’s condition, such as limiting exposure to triggers or ensuring that they have support during parenting time.

2. Spousal support (alimony)

• Mental health and financial needs: PTSD can impact your spouse’s ability to work, which could lead to requests for higher or longer spousal support. 
• Vocational rehabilitation: In some cases, courts may require vocational rehabilitation to help the spouse with PTSD gain skills or training to re-enter the workforce if their condition improves.

3. Division of assets

• Medical costs: If your spouse’s PTSD requires ongoing therapy, medication, or specialized care, this may influence the division of assets. Courts could take into account their need for financial resources to cover these costs.
• Veterans’ benefits: If the PTSD is related to military service, veterans’ benefits or disability payments may be involved. These benefits are typically considered separate property, but the income they generate could influence spousal support or asset division.

4. Competency and mental health evaluations

If your spouse’s PTSD severely affects their mental health, the court may order a psychological evaluation to determine their competency in handling legal proceedings or making decisions about finances and custody.

In extreme cases, if your spouse is unable to advocate for themselves due to PTSD, the court may appoint a guardian ad litem (a legal representative) to protect their interests during the divorce.

5. Impact of PTSD on legal proceedings

PTSD can sometimes lead to higher conflict. This can complicate negotiations and may require mediation or alternative dispute resolution methods to manage the situation more effectively.

If your spouse’s PTSD symptoms include violent or unpredictable behavior, you may need to seek protective orders to ensure your safety and that of your children.

6. Child support

If your spouse is unable to work due to PTSD, they may not be able to pay child support or they may require more child support. 

7. Support for the spouse with PTSD

Courts may consider the spouse’s treatment plan in all decisions. It’s important to show the court how your spouse’s condition is being managed and whether they are receiving proper treatment.

8. Disability payments

If your spouse receives disability (SSDI) payments due to PTSD, these payments can influence the division of assets or spousal support, although they are typically not subject to direct division as marital property.

9. Mediation vs. litigation

• Mediation may be a better option for a spouse with PTSD, as the process is less adversarial and can be more accommodating to emotional and psychological needs. This approach may help reduce stress and anxiety, leading to better outcomes for both parties.
• Litigation might become necessary in high-conflict scenarios. Seek someone with experience in mental health issues.

Conclusion

Divorcing a spouse with PTSD involves additional legal considerations, particularly regarding mental health, parenting capacity, and financial support. It's important to have legal counsel experienced in dealing with mental health-related divorce cases to ensure a fair and compassionate resolution while protecting your legal rights.

At Hello Divorce, we’re dedicated to supporting the needs of people in difficult relationship circumstances. While we offer online divorce plans, we also offer other professional resources for those navigating divorce or beyond. Let us help. Schedule a free call to learn more.