Top Reasons People Get Divorced (and End Up Happier)

• Why divorce happens
• Top 5 reasons for divorce
• Survey: why did you file for divorce?
• Considering divorce?
• Before you file…
• Will I be happier after divorce?
• Happier parents, happier kids?
• References

If you’re considering a divorce, you're far from alone. Many people consider divorce for years before filing paperwork. While couples divorce for many reasons – and every relationship is unique – some reasons for divorce are more common than others. In this blog, we look at these reasons, our survey results, and how to proceed if you decide it’s time to end your marriage or domestic partnership.

Why divorce happens

Divorce rates in the U.S. peaked in the 1980s and have been steadily (although not significantly) declining – but close to half of all marriages still end in divorce. For a number of reasons, divorce is more socially accepted today than it used to be. 

People are marrying later in life

One of the main reasons divorce has declined somewhat is that people are getting married later in life. This gives them a chance to really get to know their partner before making a lifelong commitment. 

Increased self-sufficiency

A reason for the increased acceptance of divorce is that women have become more independent in the U.S. over the past decades. In some cultures, and throughout history, women often played specific roles in society and were dependent on men for support. Today, women are no longer financially or socially dependent on their husbands and can support themselves and their children if they get divorced. This wasn't always the case, and it has led to a change in social norms. 

Increased social acceptance

Divorce is more accepted today because it's simply more common. With nearly 50% of marriages ending in divorce, it's no longer seen as something that only happens to others. People are more understanding and accepting of divorce because they know someone who has been through it. 

Top 5 reasons for divorce

While every relationship is unique, there are some common threads that can lead to a divorce. Here are the five most common reasons couples get divorced in the U.S. today.

Infidelity 

• Statistics: According to the Institute for Family Studies, infidelity occurs in about 25% of all marriages – although it’s likely that cheating is underreported. 
• Potential emotional impact: Intense feelings of betrayal, hurt, and loss of trust. It often results in long-lasting emotional scars and lowered self-esteem.

Infidelity is a leading cause of divorce. In fact, it has been cited as a factor in up to 40% of all divorces in the states. If you suspect your spouse is having an extramarital affair, you may find it difficult to confront them and work through the issue. However, in some cases, if you are able to overcome infidelity, it can make your marriage stronger than before. 

Communication problems 

• Statistics: A 2021 study that looked at married couples’ communication habits found that the most effective communicators had more adaptive relationships and the lowest divorce rate, while the worst communicators had the highest divorce rate. The findings suggest that early communication dynamics are stable and predictive of future relationship success.
• Potential emotional impact: Frustration, misunderstanding, and emotional distance in a relationship. Over time, these issues can erode trust and intimacy, potentially resulting in feelings of isolation and dissatisfaction.

Poor communication is another common reason marriages end. Couples who do not communicate openly and honestly with each other are more likely to grow apart. If you and your spouse struggle with communication, it may be helpful to seek counseling from a licensed therapist or counselor. 

Financial problems 

• Statistics: About 40% of divorced couples cite finances as the main reason for their split.
• Potential emotional impact: Anxiety, stress, and feelings of insecurity. Over time, these pressures can create tension between partners, potentially resulting in conflicts, resentment, and a weakened emotional connection.

Money problems are a major reason couples file for divorce. When couples can't agree on financial matters, it can cause a great deal of stress and conflict within the marriage. If you and your spouse argue about money on a regular basis, consider seeking professional help to resolve your differences. 

Financial planning

Financial planning is crucial during a divorce to ensure a fair division of assets, debts, and income, and to secure your financial future. 

Start by:

1.  Creating a financial inventory: List all assets (e.g., bank accounts, real estate, investments) and debts (e.g., mortgages, loans) to understand the full financial picture.
2.  Budgeting for the future: Estimate post-divorce living expenses, including housing, child support, alimony, and personal expenses, to plan for your financial needs.
3.  Seeking help: Consider consulting a financial planner or accountant who specializes in divorce to help you make informed decisions.

Approaching financial disagreements

Open communication: Aim for transparent discussions about finances with your spouse. Honesty and openness can prevent misunderstandings and reduce conflict.

Mediation: If disagreements arise, consider mediation to reach a mutually beneficial agreement. A neutral third party can help facilitate discussions and resolve disputes.

Legal guidance: In contentious situations, rely on your attorney to negotiate on your behalf, ensuring your financial interests are protected.

Compromise: Be prepared to compromise on less critical issues to reach a resolution, focusing on what’s most important for your financial stability.

Boredom, indifference, or lack of intimacy 

• Statistics: While it’s difficult to pinpoint the percentage of couples who part due to boredom or lack of intimacy, research suggests that this is a top cause of divorcing later in life. Why? Interests may have changed and empty nesters are looking to spend more quality one-on-one time together with shared interests.
• Potential emotional impact: Dissatisfaction, disconnection, and emotional withdrawal. Over time, this can cause partners to seek excitement or fulfillment elsewhere.

Boredom or lack of intimacy can lead to marital problems over time. If you find yourself feeling bored or unfulfilled in your marriage, it may be time to focus on your physical intimacy — spice things up. You may decide to seek marriage counseling or couples therapy to help improve your physical intimacy and other aspects of your relationship. 

Substance abuse/addiction 

• Statistics: A study on alcohol use disorder (AUD) found that AUD led to a lifetime divorce rate of 48.3%, versus only 30.1% in couples unaffected by AUD. However, cause and effect is unclear – another study was unable to discern whether substance use caused divorce, or if marital strife led to increased rates of substance abuse.
• Potential emotional impact: Profound emotional distress, often in both partners and their children. It often erodes trust, creates constant tension, and may cause emotional and physical neglect, leading to a breakdown in the relationship's stability and connection. It also presents health and safety concerns.

Substance abuse is another common reason marriages end. If you or your spouse struggle with substance abuse, it is important to seek professional help as soon as possible to save your marriage. 

Survey results: Why did you finally decide to get divorced?

We asked 100 people why they chose to divorce now. Here are the most popular responses. 

I filed for divorce now because…

• “I didn’t want to feel obligated to have another kid.”
• “COVID.”
• “I was losing my sanity.”
• “My daughter grew up – I didn’t think I could do it when she was an infant.”
• “I was losing my sense of who I am.”
• “My kids had to live in a toxic home.”
• “I left my high-demand religion.”
• “I wanted to reconnect with myself.”
• “The emotional abuse became physical abuse.”
• “I completely lost my soul.”
• “I wanted to have a second chance at living a happy life and having another child.”
• “My physical health manifested at the same level as my mental health.”
• “I didn’t want my kids to live their lives witnessing an unhealthy relationship dynamic between their parents.”
• “We hated each other. We’re moving through a transition now and are friends! Zero fighting.”
• “He put his hands on me again.”
• “Didn’t want another lonely toxic holiday season for our kids.”
• “I forgot I matter, too.”

If you’re thinking about divorce

The decision to divorce is not something that should be taken lightly. There are other avenues you could take before divorcing, such as going to therapy, talking to a clergyperson or counselor, and taking some time for yourself. 

Going to therapy

Sometimes, all a couple needs is to air their grievances in front of a professional. This can help them communicate better and work out their differences. Often, marriage counseling sessions end with the couple on good terms and feeling closer to one another.

Talking to a clergyperson or counselor

Going to someone who isn’t invested in your relationship can help shed light on the situation. They can provide an unbiased opinion and help point you in the right direction. Often, they’ve seen other couples go through similar situations and can guide you accordingly. 

Taking time for yourself 

What many people don’t realize is that couples often grow apart because they stop focusing on themselves. To maintain a healthy marriage, it’s important to look after your own well-being. This includes pursuing hobbies and activities that are important to you, even if you must do them alone. When you take time for yourself, you come back to the relationship refreshed and with a new perspective. 

Talk to friends and family

Friends and family members can offer helpful insight because they know you and your partner well. They might see things you’re blind to because you’re too close to the situation. Talking to them about your problems might provide some clarity.

Important things to know before filing for divorce

Before filing for divorce, it's essential to be well-informed and prepared. Here are some things to know:

1. Understand the legal process

Divorce laws differ by state, affecting everything from grounds for divorce to property division. Familiarize yourself with the specific laws in your state. Learn about the different types of divorce offered in your state (e.g., contested, uncontested, no-fault) to understand which might apply to your situation.

2. Financial preparation

Take stock of all assets, debts, income, and expenses. This includes bank accounts, retirement funds, real estate, and personal property. Consider the long-term financial impact of divorce, including potential alimony, child support, and how you will support yourself post-divorce.

3. Child custody and support

Courts prioritize the child's best interests in custody decisions. Understand the factors that influence custody arrangements and child support. Be prepared to discuss and potentially negotiate a co-parenting plan, including visitation schedules, holidays, and decision-making responsibilities.

4. Living Arrangements

Consider where you will live during and after the divorce. If you plan to stay in the marital home, understand the financial implications.

5. Legal help

You may want to get legal advice or even hire a lawyer. Be prepared for the cost of legal representation and potential expenses related to the divorce process.

6. Impact on relationships

Divorce can alter relationships with extended family, friends, and in-laws. Prepare for potential changes in your social circle and family dynamics. Consider how the divorce might affect your children’s relationships with both parents and extended family. You will also shed your spouse identity, which can be difficult to adjust to (it’s a major life transition).

7. Timing and decision-making

Rushing into divorce can have long-lasting consequences, as can delaying the inevitable for too long, so ensure you’ve considered all aspects carefully. Consider if there’s a possibility for reconciliation or other alternatives like separation or couples counseling.

8. Post-divorce life

Be prepared for significant lifestyle changes, including adjustments to your social life, finances, and daily routines. Prioritize your physical and mental health throughout the process, ensuring you have the resilience to navigate the changes ahead.

Will I be happier after divorce?

Whether you’ll be happier after a divorce depends on various factors, including the nature of your marriage, your mental health, and the support systems available to you. Here are some considerations to help you reflect on this question:

Factors often lead to greater happiness after divorce

• Relief from conflict: If your marriage involves constant conflict, abuse, or emotional neglect, divorce can provide peace.
• Personal growth: It’s an opportunity to rediscover yourself, pursue personal goals, and build a life that aligns with your values and needs.
• Improved relationships: Being out of an unhealthy marriage might improve your relationships with friends, family, and even your children, as you may have more emotional energy to invest in these connections.

Challenges to greater happiness after divorce

• Emotional turmoil: Grief, loss, and guilt almost always come with divorce, which can take time to heal. The transition period may be difficult before you start to feel happier.
• Financial changes: The financial impact of divorce, such as splitting assets and potential changes in your standard of living, can cause stress and anxiety, affecting your overall happiness.
• Children’s adjustment: The challenges of co-parenting or adjusting to new family dynamics could affect your happiness.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer. Some people find happiness and fulfillment after divorce, while others struggle with the emotional and practical challenges it brings. Carefully considering your specific situation and possibly consulting with a therapist can help you make a decision that is right for you.

Happier parents, happier kids? Effects of divorce on children

For the spouses in a bad marriage, divorce often results in greater personal happiness (eventually). It’s true for their children, too.

There is mounting evidence that kids do best when they have healthy relationships with both of their parents and when they see their parents happy and modeling positive adult relationships. So, staying together only for the kids might not be in their best interests. Many couples are finding that their kids thrive after their divorce, as both parents are able to provide healthier, happier (separate) households.

Potential positive effects of divorce on children

• Reduced exposure to conflict
• Improved parent-child relationships
• Resilience and adaptability
• Greater empathy

Moderating factors

1.  Parental involvement and co-parenting: Cooperative and supportive co-parenting arrangements can mitigate many of the potential negative effects of divorce. Maintaining consistency in routines, discipline, and expectations can provide children with a sense of stability and security, which helps them adjust better.
2.  Age and developmental stage: The age of the child at the time of the divorce can influence their response. Younger children may struggle more with understanding the situation, while older children might take on more responsibility and feel a need to support their parents emotionally.
3.  Support: Access to social support from extended family, friends, and counseling services can also play a crucial role in helping children adjust to divorce. Children who feel supported and understood are more likely to cope effectively with the changes in their family structure.

Conclusion

We don’t advocate jumping blindly into divorce. It’s a big decision, and some marriages can be saved. But if you know your marriage is over, don’t hide from that knowledge. It’ll be better for both of you to begin the process of dissolving your marriage and moving on to the next phase of your respective lives. Hello Divorce can help you achieve your goals by offering you the support and guidance needed to get a quick and effective divorce.

References