Are You Settling in Your Relationship?
- What is settling?
- Why do people settle?
- How to know if you’ve settled
- Is it normal to settle?
- What are your deal-breakers?
Love is a many-layered thing and in our never-ending quest for finding that one true forever soulmate, reality can take us along some alleyways and backroads. Even that “one” that we skip down the aisle with today could look like a grave mistake in just a few short years. After all, we change, they change, and our circumstances change. Before we know it, we look at the person sitting across the table and wonder if that’s all there is.
While no relationship is perfect, and even the most ideal relationships require a lot of hard work and compromise, some relationships never live up to their expectations and promises. Whether that promise was to love honor and cherish ‘til death do you part or just to be the steady presence you could count on through thick and thin, settling for something less can result in a very one-sided and lonely partnership.
What is “settling”?
While cooperation and compromise in a relationship are fundamental, it has to be mutual to make it work. If you’re continuously accepting less than you deserve and always putting your wants and needs second for the sake of the relationship, you may be “settling.”
You may be settling if you’re slowly losing yourself in the relationship, one little “giving in” moment at a time. Your needs constantly get overshadowed, and you find yourself longing for the sunlight. You have no voice, you’re not getting what you need from your relationship, and it doesn’t look like it will change anytime soon. And yet, you’re afraid of moving on.
Why do people settle?
Why do people settle for relationships that don’t make them happy or satisfy their needs?
It’s not usually because their expectations are too high. On the contrary, they often settle because of fears, insecurities, and vulnerabilities. It’s easier to maintain the sacrificial “known” of what they have than to face the scary unknown.
Fear of being alone
Many settle out of fear of being alone. Instead of facing potential loneliness, they’re willing to make big accommodations in their relationship to ensure its survival, no matter what it costs them in terms of personal happiness.
Lack of self-worth
Lack of self-worth can make someone settle for many things that don’t support their best interests, from a job to a relationship. Unfortunately, insecurities have a way of making someone believe they don’t deserve more than they have, and “settling” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Outside pressure
Whether it’s the biological clock or a family’s intrusive questions, outside pressure to have a relationship or family can push a person to choose someone who isn’t right for them.
Financial vulnerability
Even when someone doesn’t marry “for the money,” they can become financially dependent on someone who isn’t a good fit. Given the circumstances, they now feel stuck.
Not wanting to break up the family
When a relationship is less than optimum, yet there is a family whose stability depends on it, one partner often feels compelled to stay instead of dragging the family through a divorce.
How to know if you’ve settled
With enough justification, settling can seem reasonable even though it’s at the expense of your long-term happiness. What excuses are you making for settling in your relationship?
You tell yourself it’s not that bad
Granted, you can always find a situation that’s worse than yours. So, your relationship is “not that bad” … compared to what? If you’ve explained away the problems in your relationship as just normal relationship stuff, think of the people you know who have a relationship you admire. Would these issues be “normal” in their relationship? Probably not. Denial is a handy defense mechanism when it’s easier not to see the reality.
You keep hoping things will get better
In the beginning, you saw a lot of potential in your partner, and you put a lot of time and energy into nurturing that potential. But wishful thinking can eat up large chunks of a lifetime before you know it. You’re constantly compromising your wishes and needs, and, if you’re honest, the more you give in, the less compromise you see out of your partner. You have the same old fights over and over, and nothing ever changes.
You have no sex life
Even when you did have a more normal sex life, it was one-sided. Now, it’s hollow and passionless and not even worth the effort. You go out of your way not to even remotely invite anything because you’ve begun to dread it.
There are no meaningful conversations
There’s no connection. Conversations between you are few and far between, and when they do happen, they’re surface and fact-driven. There’s no romance, no sharing of hopes and dreams, no words of endearment. If anything of any emotional consequence does get addressed, you’re the one who usually initiates it.
You’re afraid of ending it
Yes, your relationship isn’t perfect, but what will you do if it ends and you’re alone? Will anyone ever love you again? You don’t want to do the whole dating thing again, but your current relationship isn’t fulfilling your hopes or dreams, either. You can’t even picture a remotely optimistic future with your partner.
Is it normal to settle?
While it’s common for people to settle for some imperfections in their relationships, it isn’t healthy to settle for one that makes you chronically unhappy and unfulfilled. You deserve better than a one-sided relationship.
Maybe the question should be, is it normal for you to settle? Do you have a history of getting into relationships with someone who can’t or won’t be an equal emotional partner? It may come down to your personal boundaries and what you’re willing and not willing to accept.
What are your deal-breakers?
There is compromise, and then there are deal-breakers. If you have a history of ignoring critical red flags, you may have a history of less-than-optimal relationships.
Know your deal-breakers, and stay true to them. An obvious behavior you want to steer clear of is abuse of any kind, but others are far less obvious. These can be an unwillingness to compromise or an inability to communicate about important things. Selfishness. Unreliability. Anger issues. Financial irresponsibility. Constant criticism. Clinginess. Unwillingness to apologize.
Know your personal deal-breakers, and keep true to them. Once you see some glaring red flags, don’t make excuses for them. Take action. It may not be easy, but you will be much happier for it in the long run.
You don’t need to settle for a relationship that has little promise. Every relationship requires work and compromise, but it should never come at the cost of your fundamental happiness. Can you talk to your partner about it in a constructive way? Would they be open to getting professional help? If not, it may be time to move on.
At Hello Divorce, we offer support and resources to help take the complicated out of your relationship. We offer online divorce plans, services from a network of trusted experts, and an extensive library of informational articles. We are here to help you live your best life possible. Schedule a free call to learn how we may be able to help you.
