- Everyone needs a plan
- It doesn't have to be brutal
- What to do if your spouse contacts a lawyer
- FAQ
- How to Respond Calmly and Strategically When Your Spouse Talks to a Lawyer
Imagine you're divorcing, and you hear your spouse has contacted a lawyer. You feel livid, shocked, and upset. Your mind jumps to the worst-case scenario: They've hired a pitbull. They're going to try to take everything!
If you've felt this way at any point in your divorce process, listen up: Seeking legal help is not a reason to panic. If your soon-to-be ex has legal questions, they should seek counsel. So should you, even if you just want a 30-minute gut check with a legal coach.
Divorce is the unbinding of the most complicated financial and emotional contract either of you has likely ever entered. Having (correct) information and feeling informed and empowered is not just smart, it's also a helpful way to de-escalate conflict and focus on what actually matters rather than getting caught up in the small stuff.
Everyone needs a plan
Do you have an exit strategy for your divorce? Your ex should, too. Have you thought about what you want when it comes to the personal property you shared? Your ex should, too. Do you have a plan for what happens next, post-divorce? Your ex should, too. (See where I'm going here?)
It doesn't have to be brutal
A huge reason why we started Hello Divorce is that the current legal system is set up to pit spouses against each other. Because you're required to file a lawsuit to separate, in many cases, the matter quickly escalates to X versus Y. The process is set up to create conflict. But it doesn't have to be that way – not if we don't let it. The system won't change overnight, but we can change how we approach this broken system: with honesty, respect, and transparency.
.png)
Empower yourself during divorce.
Our free download can help.
What to do if your spouse contacts a lawyer
Here are three things you can do right now if you've learned that your spouse contacted a lawyer.
1. Reach out to your spouse
This can be hard. But if you're at the beginning of a divorce and have just learned that your spouse contacted a lawyer, it's the perfect opportunity to suggest trying mediation first. Let your spouse know you understand they have questions about the mediation process and that you do, too. Discuss the fact that a mediator is far more affordable than both of you hiring attorneys. Further, the mediator will be able to answer your legal questions as they help you through the paperwork.
2. Book your own interview calls with lawyers
Having more information is always a good thing. And just because you have a preliminary call or meeting with a lawyer doesn't mean you have to hire them. Two or three pre-calls with lawyers will help you get a sense of how it might be to work with a lawyer on your divorce. It'll also give you a sense of the fees involved. Perhaps most importantly, these calls can help you understand what you want (and what you don't want) in a lawyer should you and your spouse decide to work through attorneys to complete your divorce.
3. Read up on the divorce process
While you wait to learn whether your ex is going to hire an attorney (or while you're deciding whether to hire one yourself), dive into some divorce literature to get a good understanding of how the process works. Hello Divorce offers free, easy-to-read breakdowns of the divorce process. The more you know about the system, the more comfortable you'll be as your divorce works through it.
FAQ
Does my spouse talking to a lawyer mean divorce is imminent?
Not necessarily. Many people consult to learn their options and rights. It’s often information-gathering, not a final decision to file.
Why would someone consult a lawyer if they want an amicable process?
Independent advice can reduce conflict by setting clear expectations and supporting mediation or DIY paths.
What should I do first if I learn my spouse met with a lawyer?
Check safety, pause big changes, and start gathering documents. Consider a brief legal consult yourself so you can plan calmly.
Can we still use mediation if my spouse has a lawyer?
Yes. Many couples mediate while each spouse has a consulting attorney for private advice and final review.
Do I need my own lawyer right away?
A short consultation is wise even if you plan to settle. You can use limited-scope help for strategy, document review, or a single hearing.
What documents should I gather now?
IDs, pay stubs, tax returns, statements for bank/retirement/debts, home and vehicle papers, insurance, and a simple list of assets, debts, income, and expenses.
How do I protect finances without escalating?
Update passwords, turn on two-factor authentication, and freeze joint cards from new spending if appropriate. Don’t hide assets or drain accounts.
Should I change locks or restrict access?
Only if safety concerns or a court order justify it and your state law allows. Sudden access changes can escalate conflict—get legal advice first.
What should I avoid posting on social media?
Skip blame, threats, spending flexes, or posts about new partners and substances. Assume anything you post could be seen in a case.
What if I’m served with papers?
Note deadlines, check for hearings or temporary orders, and contact a lawyer or self-help center quickly. Missing a response date can lead to default.
Will consulting lawyers make things more adversarial?
Not by itself. Focusing on problem-solving, transparency, and child-centered plans matters more than whether lawyers are consulted.
What if there are safety or control issues?
Prioritize safety and consider protective orders, safe exchanges, and a communication plan. Speak with an advocate before disclosing your plans if necessary.
How to Respond Calmly and Strategically When Your Spouse Talks to a Lawyer
Assess safety and slow the pace.
If there’s risk of harm, create a safety plan and seek help. Otherwise, avoid impulsive decisions and set a steady timeline.
Clarify goals and concerns.
Write what matters most—kids’ stability, housing, budget, privacy—and outcomes you want to avoid.
Capture a financial snapshot.
List income, debts, assets, and expenses. Download recent statements so decisions are grounded in facts.
Protect accounts appropriately.
Update passwords, enable two-factor authentication, and freeze new spending on joint cards if necessary. Do not hide or move assets improperly.
Consider a brief legal consult.
Get tailored guidance on rights, timelines, and low-conflict options such as mediation or limited-scope representation.
Set communication boundaries.
Use short, factual messages, propose options, and confirm agreements in writing.
Organize documents and next steps.
Create a folder for IDs, tax returns, pay stubs, statements, insurance, and property records. Calendar any deadlines.
Plan a 30-day action window.
List practical tasks—consults, disclosures, parenting logistics—and review progress weekly.
Gentle note: Laws and procedures vary by state. A 30-minute consult with a local attorney or mediator can clarify timing, options, and any protections you may need.
Suggested: Divorce Process Flowchart
