It's been a while. A year and a half, actually, since I announced the end of my marriage.
When the news came out that my husband was gay, I was bombarded with messages from people in similar situations around the world. The letters of support were easy to respond to and so very much appreciated. The other letters, however – the ones seeking my advice – were an entirely different story. Barely functioning myself, I found it impossible to offer anything to anyone, never mind words of wisdom.
"It sucks," was all I could muster. Finding out your spouse is gay just really fucking sucks.
Well, it's been 18 months, and it still sucks ... but it's also getting better. So, in response to those who reached out to me, and anyone else who might find this helpful, please know this:
You aren't alone
I know it feels like you are the only person in the world who knows this exact pain, but you aren't. It feels shameful and suffocating, and there are countless people out there feeling the exact same way.
Don't believe me? Run to OurPath. They offer lots of support: private Facebook groups, in-person get-togethers, and tons of stories from people who've been there, done that. I never ventured into the in-person stuff, but everyone I met online was kind, helpful, and understanding. If you do nothing else, poke around the site.
It's not your fault
I hesitate to even say that because of course it's not your fault, but being told your spouse is gay is a total mind fuck, so you might need to hear it: This isn't your fault, you did nothing wrong, and this isn't about you.
It's OK to be angry
It took me a long time to realize that it's possible to both love and support your spouse and be angry with them at the same time. Look at me, multi-tasking!
No, this isn't easier than a "normal" marriage ending. I can't tell you how many times people tried to comfort me with, "At least you know it wasn't you." Like that made the situation any easier. With a gay spouse, you're not only mourning the end of your marriage (at least as you knew it before) but also the end of the person you love (at least as you loved them before). I won't say it's harder than any other marriage, but it sure as hell isn't easier.
Tell someone ... anyone
For 18 years, I didn't tell a soul about the inner workings of my marriage, and there's no shortage in the number of ways I'm paying for that now. Even if it's on an anonymous message board, someone is out there waiting to offer you support. Accept it. Finally, it gets better. I mean, I won't say it gets fabulous, but it does get better. Really, it does. And hopefully, eventually, it will get fabulous.
FAQs
What should I do if my spouse comes out as gay?
Start by taking time to process the news. Shock, grief, and confusion are normal. Seek support from a trusted friend, therapist, or community group while deciding next steps for your marriage or separation.
Can marriages survive when one spouse comes out?
Some do—especially when both partners want to redefine the relationship and remain emotionally close. But most couples transition toward separation in a respectful, cooperative way that supports both people’s authenticity.
How can I talk to my kids about their parent coming out?
Be honest but age-appropriate. Reassure them that both parents love them and that family structure changes don’t change love or safety. Keep explanations simple and consistent between parents.
Is it normal to feel betrayed or angry?
Yes. Feeling blindsided, rejected, or angry is natural. Processing these emotions with a therapist or support group helps you avoid misdirecting hurt toward your spouse or kids.
How can both partners separate with compassion?
Set shared intentions early: kindness, honesty, and dignity. Work with a mediator or divorce coach to create boundaries, protect kids, and celebrate each partner’s next chapter.
Where can I find support as a straight spouse?
Groups like the Straight Spouse Network, PFLAG, and local counseling centers offer safe spaces to share experiences and get emotional guidance during this transition.
Step-by-Step: How to Cope When Your Spouse Comes Out as Gay
Pause and process
Give yourself permission to feel grief, confusion, or relief. There’s no right timeline for emotional adjustment.
Seek support early
Talk with a therapist, friend, or support group familiar with mixed-orientation marriages. You’re not alone in this experience.
Communicate with honesty and care
Set ground rules for calm discussions. Both partners deserve space to share feelings without blame.
Plan what to tell the kids
Create a unified message that’s simple, loving, and true. Avoid oversharing or assigning blame.
Decide on next steps together
Discuss whether to stay married, separate, or transition roles while prioritizing mutual respect and family stability.
Build your own next chapter
Reconnect with identity, friendships, and future goals. Healing comes from rediscovering who you are beyond the marriage.
Stay compassionate through change
Gratitude for shared history and empathy for each other’s truth help both partners move forward peacefully.
Related: Q&A with Jill Smokler, Founder of Scary Mommy, on Life After Divorce
This post originally ran here on Jill's blog. Reposted on Hello Divorce with permission.
