When married parents split up, it doesn’t just happen to two spouses; it happens to the whole family. Divorce has a way of reshaping everyone’s lives, especially the lives of children. Prevailing wisdom has surfaced with all sorts of warnings about the negative effects of divorce on children’s educational outcomes and emotional well-being. But is it still true? And how can parents help their kids thrive despite this family disruption?
Kids of divorce face unique challenges
While it’s true that some children will face unique challenges after their parent’s divorce, the notion that kids of divorce are less likely to succeed in life is a dated and disproven narrative. Essentially, what has been found is that the family structure isn’t what matters as much as the quality of the relationships in it.
Studies have shown that although divorce can be associated with some challenges for kids, the impact of divorce is not the same for all children. Many factors influence how a divorce will affect children’s life outcomes, including the success of their co-parenting, the level of conflict in the home, socio-economics, and the quality of support systems in place. All these things can profoundly influence how kids weather their parents’ divorce and what long-term effects, if any, it might have.
Tips for divorcing parents
People rarely consider divorce lightly, especially when young children are involved. For the most part, parents want the best for their kids and will usually decide to divorce only after a great deal of soul-searching. No matter how spouses feel about each other at the end, they usually share the goal of wanting their kids to lead successful and fulfilling lives.
How can parents maximize their children’s well-being physically, mentally, and academically during and after divorce?
1. Maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship
The number-one priority for co-parents who want a successful transition for their children is to maintain a healthy, stable, and cooperative relationship with each other. This means treating each other respectfully and refraining from talking negatively about one another so their children experience a peaceful and healthy family environment.
2. Encouraging open communication
Let kids express their feelings about what they are personally experiencing in light of their parental divorce. Listen without judgment, and reassure them that their feelings are valid.
3. Staying consistent
Try to keep routines as consistent as possible. Embrace predictable schedules. This helps provide a sense of security and normalcy for children of divorced families, which is comforting amid the big changes swirling around them.
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4. Prioritizing their social networks
Kids should maintain their friendships and stay engaged in their regular social and extracurricular activities as much as possible. Maintaining a social support network is a strong buffer against post-divorce stress.
5. Monitoring their academic performance
Both you and your ex should stay involved in your children’s education. Address any school performance struggles promptly. You don’t have to do this alone, either. Enlist the support of their teachers, school counselor, and any available tutoring services or other academic help the school offers to promote educational success.
If it’s available and financially feasible, you might get outside help as well – tutors, mentors, learning coaches, and other services designed to help kids with academic achievement.
6. Addressing at-risk behaviors, substance abuse, and anger
Be vigilant for signs of substance abuse, truancy from school, aggression, or other at-risk behaviors that adolescents gravitate toward to cope with their parents’ divorce. Although these behavior problems are often associated with young adulthood, these are not just high school problems. They can also occur in middle school and even elementary school. Early intervention is critical, with both parents presenting a united front.
7. Having open conversations about sexual health
Have honest, age-appropriate conversations about romantic relationships and sexual health. Maintaining a climate of trust with your kids can help them be more open and make better decisions about their own lives.
8. Modeling your own resilience and well-being
Show your kids how to effectively handle stress and adversity in healthy ways. Modeling a healthy approach to self-care and problem-solving will be much more meaningful than any lecture.
9. Seeking professional help for them (and you)
Regularly checking in with your kids’ emotional and mental state can help you catch early signs of depression or anxiety. If your children are struggling after divorce, don’t hesitate to contact a mental health professional who is experienced in dealing with children of divorce. And if you are struggling, getting your own help is critical so your kids don’t bear the brunt of your emotional challenges.
Kids of divorce are not doomed to unsuccessful futures. In many ways, learning to deal with adversity in healthy ways can make them more adaptable and resilient to life’s inevitable bumps. Your kids can find their own unique and fulfilling successes in life, providing you manage your divorce with understanding, encouragement, and mindful co-parenting.
Parental separation comes in all shapes and sizes and affects all families differently. At Hello Divorce, we are here to support you and your family through your divorce and beyond with affordable online divorce plans, a network of professional services, and extensive resources to help educate and inform you as you go. Schedule a no-cost 15-minute phone call to see how we can help.
Reference
Parental divorce is not uniformly disruptive to children’s educational attainment. (March 26, 2019). Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
