If I could go back and do it again, I'd still have been a divorce lawyer. I just would have shifted the way I practice a lot earlier, spending less time in the courtroom and more time at the negotiating table. But, live and learn. And without all of that experience, I would not have been able to call myself a Certified Family Law Specialist. Below are a few #divorcetruths I've learned after 16 years as a divorce lawyer, owner of Levine Family Law Group, and founder of Hello Divorce.
Divorce truths (in no particular order)
Divorce isn't an overnight decision.
The truth is, most people agonize over the decision to divorce – sometimes for months, but usually for years. Even so, critics of Hello Divorce say that now that we've made the process of divorce easier, people who would ordinarily "stick it out" will now divorce instead. Um, that's silly. Divorce is not an easy option. You know that, so I need not harp on this point.
There's almost always a "do-er" spouse.
An amicable separation does not mean there is no conflict in the divorce process or that both parties work together to complete all the forms. Actually, in my experience, there is usually a "do-er" spouse – one who leads the way, completing most of the procedural steps. This isn't a bad thing. As long as the more passive spouse agrees on the terms of the divorce judgment before it's submitted to the court, it's a win-win. Besides, who doesn't love it when someone is willing to do the bulk of the work?
Transparency leads to settlement.
Being transparent with finances is not only the law, it's a way to build trust in the divorce process and usually leads to settlement early on. Listen, I know you'd rather keep your raise to yourself, but if it's found out later (after the divorce), it can come back to bite you. Family court judges hate it when people don't share financial information willingly.
Divorce is a marathon, not a sprint.
Doing your divorce in steps is easier on the heart, mind, and body. This doesn't mean dragging it out forever. It took how many years to get to where you are today? Expecting to undo that in a few days is impractical, if not impossible.
Marriage Story isn't completely fictional.
Marriage Story won Best Picture at the 2020 Oscars. And while there were certainly elements of it that were far-fetched, the premise is on point. The system is set up to encourage fighting, starting with calling your divorce a "case" and labeling it "X versus Y." Even well-intentioned lawyers often take the divorce narrative away from their clients and turn it into counsel v. counsel, making your "case" about the lawyers winning, not about setting both parties up for success in their next phase of life.
Mediation is a great option (sometimes).
I've seen way too many (ex) couples enter mediation when one or both didn't trust the other AT ALL. Here's the deal: Divorce mediation only works when BOTH spouses are committed to negotiating in good faith and staying out of court. It doesn't mean there won't be conflict. I expect there to be. After all, this is a major life event and the unwinding of the biggest financial contract most of us will ever enter into. Not to mention the emotional triggers that come with that. BUT, if your spouse is not playing fair, and the mediator doesn't acknowledge that and put it in check, you're wasting your time and money continuing with the process.
Lawyers are just one piece of a big pie.
Lawyers are important, there's no question about it – especially when you have a complicated legal issue, want help or tips for strategizing mediation, or have a court hearing you need representation for. But your lawyer shouldn't be the center of your case; you should be. Most divorce actions don't happen overnight. There's plenty of time to seek legal advice if you need it. However, if you have a fairly amicable or mediated divorce, you don't need a lawyer to handle it all. Our easy-to-use software and experienced legal assistants can handle most, if not all, of the procedural stuff (and there's a lot of it). So unless you want to throw thousands of dollars away, consider your options.
Speaking of which, sometimes there are professionals who are even MORE important to have on speed dial than a lawyer.
Here is a sampling of some of the most underrated divorce professionals: people you didn't know you needed who might actually make your life much better.
- Divorce Coach (non-legal): This person can help manage your anxiety and overwhelm. A good one will help you find clarity so you can make good decisions for yourself and your kids. You'll talk about what's not working for you right now and chart a course forward for how you'll get where you want to be.
- Therapist: A divorce therapist is a licensed therapist who is certified by the state to practice therapy. A therapist will help you look at the whole picture, starting by looking back at the events that led you to where you are now.
- Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA): This professional is especially important if you have a long-term marriage, a complex or large estate, or are nearing retirement. A CDFA provides information that enables you to advocate for yourself and negotiate a settlement or separation agreement that will meet your current and future financial needs.
FAQs About Filing for Divorce
What are the basic truths about filing for divorce?
You must meet your state’s residency rules, file the correct forms, legally notify your spouse, and exchange financial information. Most cases resolve by agreement, but a judge decides if you cannot agree.Does filing first give me an advantage?
Filing first sets the timeline and venue, but outcomes still depend on facts and law. The court does not reward or punish a spouse for filing first.Do I have to prove fault to get divorced?
Usually no. Most states allow no-fault divorce based on irreconcilable differences. Fault may matter in limited issues, but it is not required to end the marriage.Will I need to appear in court?
Not always. Uncontested divorces may finish with paperwork only. Contested issues, temporary orders, or trials can require hearings.What paperwork is always required?
A petition or complaint to start the case, proof of service on your spouse, financial disclosures, and a proposed judgment or decree to finish the case.How long will my divorce take?
Timelines vary by state rules, waiting periods, and whether you settle. Agreements can finalize in a few months; disputes and trials take longer.How To: File for Divorce
Confirm residency and venue
Verify you meet your state’s residency requirement and choose the correct county or court to file.Complete the initial forms
Prepare the petition or complaint and any required case information sheets, fee waivers, and parenting forms if applicable.File with the court
Submit your documents by e-filing or at the clerk’s office and obtain a case number and filing date.Serve your spouse
Arrange legal service of the filed papers. Keep proof of service for the court.Exchange financial disclosures
Provide required income, expense, asset, and debt information. Accurate disclosures are essential for property and support decisions.Address temporary needs
Request temporary orders for parenting time, support, or exclusive use of the home if needed while the case is pending.Negotiate and draft your agreement
Work toward settlement through direct negotiation or mediation. Put all terms in a written agreement or proposed judgment.Finalize the divorce
Submit final papers for court approval or attend a hearing if required. The judge signs a decree that officially ends the marriage.
If you're trying to decide which divorce service is right for you, schedule a free 15-minute informational call here.
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