Why Is the Court Model of Divorce Sometimes Called a Zero-Sum Game?

Divorce is an emotionally charged process. Many divorcing couples feel this emotion and attempt to take it out on one another during the divorce proceedings, creating a situation where one person wins by making the other lose. In fact, that’s the definition of a zero-sum game from Merriam-Webster.

Zero-sum divorce myth: One party wins, the other loses

Unfortunately for couples who have consciously or subconsciously subscribed to this myth, they both actually end up losing.

Losing control can feel like a loss. That’s why so many people cling to whatever control they can, including entering a zero-sum game that actually benefits neither spouse. 

When minor children are involved, many couples find themselves in a zero-sum game. For example, one spouse may try to hurt the other by reducing the amount of time they get with the kids. 

When large and valuable assets are involved, many couples find themselves in a zero-sum game. Retirement benefits, homes, vehicles – these can all cause disputes where one spouse tries to hurt the other. 

The pain you feel in a zero-sum game can be emotional, financial, or something worse. In any case, it feels terrible. If your spouse is the spiteful one, you may feel their mindset is impossible to overcome. But … if you persist at genuinely working to avoid a zero-sum game, your spouse may eventually come to realize that your way is better for everyone. One of the best ways to avoid the pain of a zero-sum mindset is mediation. (More on that later.)

The fear of losing control

Why do some people fall into the zero-sum trap in divorce? A person who is attempting to “get it all” may simply be concerned with the loss of control. 

Paradoxically, if you and your spouse cannot agree on how to divide your property, a judge will step in and do that for you. That’s a real loss of control. No one wants that to happen because a judge will simply look at what’s fair and equitable, not necessarily what items have special meaning to you. 

Developing a divorce strategy

The zero-sum myth is precisely why it’s important to have a clear divorce strategy. You must realize that, absent extreme circumstances like a spouse being incarcerated or a history of child abuse, you’re not going to get everything in the divorce. The sooner you realize this, the better. 

With the right divorce strategy, you can come to the table knowing what matters most to you and what you’re willing to give up to reach a resolution.

During the divorce process, you and your spouse will be required to disclose certain information, including financial information. The disclosure process is intended to keep everyone informed and on a level playing field. When your spouse discloses their financial information to you, you’ll know if they’re trying to keep something from you. This is frowned upon by courts, so don’t try it yourself.

Even with the best of intentions, however, you and your spouse may not agree on how to split everything in your marriage. Don’t lose hope. You can attempt to resolve these final issues through mediation. In fact, mediation is one of the best ways for you and your spouse to retain control over your divorce. 

If your spouse seems to be “playing” a zero-sum game, you don’t have to join them. Through dispute resolution, mediation, and other negotiation tactics, you can work to overcome their zero-sum mindset. In the end, this approach is much better and helps you both retain more control. 

Mediation: A benefit for all

In mediation, a neutral third party will speak with each of you, sometimes individually, sometimes together. The mediator’s job is to help you and your spouse resolve your disputes, not to help one party get more than the other.

If one spouse comes to mediation with an inflexible zero-sum mindset, mediation is unlikely to work. A judge would then have to step in and decide your issues for you. But the fear of a judge stepping in can actually be a motivating factor! To keep control over the divorce, the spouse with the zero-sum mindset must realize that cooperation is the only solution. To get some of the things they want, they will have to give up some other things.

Both spouses must come to mediation with an open mind and a genuine willingness to negotiate. With this mindset, you can resolve any remaining issues instead of letting a judge resolve them for you.

The Marital Settlement Agreement

At the end of mediation, if you and your spouse are able to resolve your disputes, you’ll enter into a Marital Settlement Agreement. This legally binding document lays out the terms of your divorce as you have negotiated them. 

Make sure you’re happy with the terms, as changing them would require court appearances (and a very good reason why they should be changed). 

You probably won’t get everything you want in your Marital Settlement Agreement. In fact, you may even feel like you’ve lost something. But oddly enough, that’s how you know mediation worked. If you or your spouse feel like you won, you may have been playing a zero-sum game.

Getting help

Even if you and your spouse have grown to dislike each other – even if your spouse has done something that ultimately caused your divorce – try not to fall into the zero-sum trap because you’ll just get hurt. In other words, don’t be spiteful, and don’t let spite hold your divorce hostage. 

Resolving your disputes, even if that means doing a little give and take, is much preferred over letting a judge decide. When you go to court, you essentially lose control over how your assets and property are divided – and maybe even how much time you get with your children.

While it may seem stressful and overwhelming to go through negotiations with your spouse, especially if there’s animosity between you, it really may be the best way to reach a resolution.

Hello Divorce can help

Hello Divorce offers many services, including free worksheets, mediation, and even attorney consultations. You can also test the waters with a free 15-minute phone call to better understand your options. 

When you have someone supporting you like Hello Divorce, your divorce process can become much less complex and overwhelming. 

Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone, and you don’t have to make divorce a zero-sum game. Get the help, support, and guidance you deserve by partnering with Hello Divorce today.