Tips for Vacation Planning with a Difficult Ex

Scheduling vacations, holidays, and special days is time-consuming and exhausting. Who's hosting Thanksgiving? Do you need to make travel arrangements? Do you really have to invite that pesky Uncle who falls asleep during dinner? Do you need to exchange your vacation plans or negotiate any revisions to your custody agreement with your former spouse or partner?

Add to this a difficult ex and you may as well just give up now. But there's hope. Here are some helpful tips for negotiating and finalizing your vacation plans with that difficult ex.

Suggest using online tools to plan vacations with your ex

There are various co-parenting websites that help facilitate scheduling. One popular online resource is "Our Family Wizard." This website offers various tools to schedule and track parenting time and family information and manage expenses. Nowadays, it can be difficult to follow a parade of texts or emails. At a minimum, this tool can help expedite the process and at least keep the communications in one useful location.

Start vacation negotiations with your ex early  

If you know that your ex is going to be difficult, make your proposal for the holidays early on. While you may have a court-ordered holiday schedule, oftentimes things come up and the earlier they are addressed, the more time you have to negotiate a resolution, and if necessary, file a motion.

Be flexible and have an open mind

Maybe your ex doesn't agree with all of your proposed schedule changes, but maybe there are a few that do. They may want to propose some revisions to accommodate their schedule as well. Remember, you don't need to win every battle, and a compromise may benefit your children and give you much-needed credibility in the eyes of your judge should your matter proceed to court.

Sit down with your ex and hammer your plans out

Rather than engaging in an endless stream of text messages or emails, if you can tolerate it, ask them to sit down at a neutral location (e.g., your local coffee shop). Often, a conversation can relay more than a text, and if you are asking the other party to make changes to a court order, having people around can help limit heated conversations. Plus, it is always harder to say no to someone's face than in a text!

Propose private mediation, co-parenting counselor, or parenting coordinator

Sometimes just sitting down and hammering it out with a qualified mediator can save you a lot of back and forth and help limit the tension.

Co-parenting counselor

A co-parenting counselor is particularly helpful if you and your ex are somewhat amicable and have reached some agreements, but need help finalizing the details. However, keep in mind that if you do not reach an agreement, you are back to square one and nothing is binding until filed with the court.

Recommending counselor

A recommending counselor is another option if you foresee substantial difficulty obtaining agreements. A recommending counselor has the ability to hear your issues and then if you are unable to reach an agreement, submit their recommendations to the court regarding what they think the schedule should be. Keep in mind, however, that in order to appoint a recommending counselor, you need to obtain your exes' consent.

Parenting coordinator or "special master"

Another option is a parenting coordinator or special master. A parenting coordinator can be bestowed the same authority as the court and can issue orders that go into effect immediately (with some important exceptions). This is a viable option if you want an issue resolved quickly and do not have time to wait for a court hearing. Keep in mind that parenting coordinators can be costly.

If you have to, file a motion for the court to issue an order

But do it early! The courts are not inclined to grant emergency holiday/vacation requests unless it is a true emergency. If you do go to court, do your best to get a detailed court order. This gives both parties more certainty and makes it less likely you will run into problems in the future. You can always modify it later by mutual agreement.

Remember, the kids come first

If you have to file a motion, focus on the children's best interests and not the other parties' unreasonableness. No matter how unreasonable you think the other party is, there is no guarantee the court will agree with you so keeping the focus on the children is always a better tactic.

Founder, CEO & Certified Family Law Specialist
Mediation, Divorce Strategy, Divorce Insights, Legal Insights
After over a decade of experience as a Certified Family Law Specialist, Mediator and law firm owner, Erin was fed up with the inefficient and adversarial “divorce corp” industry and set out to transform how consumers navigate divorce - starting with the legal process. By automating the court bureaucracy and integrating expert support along the way, Hello Divorce levels the playing field between spouses so that they can sort things out fairly and avoid missteps. Her access to justice work has been recognized by the legal industry and beyond, with awards and recognition from the likes of Women Founders Network, TechCrunch, Vice, Forbes, American Bar Association and the Pro Bono Leadership award from Congresswoman Barbara Lee. Erin lives in California with her husband and two children, and is famously terrible at board games.