Tips for Adjusting to a New Custody Arrangement
- Common types of custody schedules
- Why would custody change after divorce?
- How to cope with missing your kids
- Tips for when you get a larger share of custody
- FAQ about child custody terms
Adjusting to a new custody schedule following a divorce can feel like being thrown into a whirlpool of change. It's a shift that impacts everyone involved – parents and kids.
Common types of custody schedules
Before we dive into tips for making this new lifestyle work, Let's walk through some common custody arrangements you might encounter.
Alternating weeks
In an alternating-week time-share schedule, the kids live one week with Parent A and the next week with Parent B.
This schedule can be hard on parents because it involves extended periods away from the children. The house might feel unusually quiet during your child-free week, and you may find yourself counting down the days until your kids return. Then, when the kids are there, you may suddenly need to find childcare or transportation for the kids due to your work schedule.
Also note that very young minor children may be unable to handle this kind of schedule at their developmental stage. The best interests of the child must always be at the forefront of your parenting plan.
2-2-3 rotation
Here, children spend two days with one parent, the next two days with the other, and then three days with the first parent again. To keep timeshare percentages relatively equal, the rotation continues in the next week but is reversed.
This schedule could make the child’s life (and yours) feel like an emotional rollercoaster. The constant switching could potentially lead to feelings of instability and a lack of routine.
Every other weekend
In this co-parenting setup, one parent has the children during the week, and the other parent takes over every other weekend.
The weekend parent may feel like they're missing out on day-to-day parenting and only experiencing “highlight reel” moments. The weekdays can feel lonely, and anticipation of the weekend can be both exciting and anxiety-inducing.
Whether you adhere to one of the above schedules or something different, know this: Any child custody schedule has its own unique set of challenges. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. You’re not only dealing with a new schedule; you’re also (probably) still dealing with the emotional aftermath of divorce. Your feelings are valid, so give yourself permission to experience them.
Read: Could a Nesting Custody Arrangement Benefit Your Family after Divorce?
Why would custody change after divorce?
Custody arrangements may change after a divorce due to factors such as aging, remarriage, and income changes. Common reasons include:
- Child’s best interests: A parent can request the court modify the current arrangement if it no longer serves the child's best interests.
- Residential move: If one parent needs to relocate for a job, family reasons, or other significant factors, the custody arrangement might need to be adjusted to accommodate the new living situation.
- Parental behavior or lifestyle changes: Substance abuse, mental health issues, criminal activity, or a significant change in living conditions may prompt a custody review to ensure the child's safety and well-being.
- Parental agreement: Parents can mutually agree to modify the custody arrangement due to things like changes in their schedules, living situations, or realizing there’s a better arrangement for everyone.
- Child’s preference: As they grow older, a child’s preference for more or less time with a parent might be considered.
- Educational needs: If a child's academic needs change, custody terms can be modified to accommodate things like access to a specific school or program.
- Health/medical: Changes in the health of either the parent or the child may necessitate a change in custody to have better access to medical care.
- Non-compliance: If one parent consistently fails to comply with or undermines the existing custody order, the other can request a custody modification.
Custody modifications are typically pursued through legal processes, requiring evidence and, often, mediation or court intervention to ensure that any changes are in the child's best interests.
How to cope with missing your kids
So, how do you deal with the absence of your children when they’re with their other parent? Here are some ideas.
Make special plans for yourself
It's natural to miss your kids when they aren't around, but this time can also be viewed as an opportunity for self-care and personal growth. Use it to engage in activities you enjoy but may not have had time for before. This could be reading a book, taking up a hobby, catching up with friends, or enrolling in a class. By focusing on your interests and well-being, you can turn a potentially lonely time into a period of self-discovery and rejuvenation.
Stay connected
Thanks to technology, staying in touch with your kids has never been easier. A quick phone call, video chat, or even a text message can help bridge the gap when you're missing them.
However, it's important to respect the other parent's time with the kids, too. For example, you wouldn’t want to spend the majority of your child’s overnight visit with their other parent talking on the phone or gaming with them online.
Try to establish agreed-upon times for calls or messages in order to keep things balanced while respecting boundaries.
Quality time over quantity
When your children are with you, make the most of it. Plan activities that allow for bonding and making memories. This doesn't mean every moment has to be packed with grand adventures; simple things like cooking together, playing a board game, or just chatting about their day can create meaningful connections. Remember, it's not about the amount of time you spend together; it’s the quality of that time.
Interview: A Kid with Two Homes – A Child’s Perspective of Divorce
Tips for when you get a larger share of custody
When you suddenly find yourself with a larger share of child custody, it can be an overwhelming adjustment (both positive and negative). Here are some tips to help you:
- Establish a routine: Create a consistent daily schedule for you and your child, including mealtimes, homework, bedtime, and recreational activities. Stability and predictability will help you all. Use calendars and planners where the kids can see the routine and you can keep track.
- Communicate openly: Be honest, caring, and direct. Encourage them to express their feelings and concerns.
- Prioritize quality time: Remember to take a breath and don’t get frazzled by the new logistics. Engage in activities they enjoy, help with homework, and be present in their daily life. This can strengthen your bond and provide emotional support.
- Get your loved ones involved: Reach out to family, friends, and support groups for help and advice. Having a reliable support network can alleviate some of the stress and provide valuable resources.
- Communicate with your co-parent: Maintain a cooperative relationship with your ex to ensure your child’s needs are met.
- Maximize your solo time: Take care of your own physical and emotional well-being. Spend time on your hobbies, see friends, and give yourself a break when you can.
- Get involved: If you don’t already, get to know your child’s teachers, coaches, and friends’ families. Attend their events like games and parent-teacher conferences.
- Review your finances: Ensure you can meet the increased costs associated with a larger share of custody. Budgeting and planning can help manage these expenses. You may also need to adjust your alimony or child support.
By focusing on the above and focusing on your child’s best interests, you can create a stable, supportive, and nurturing environment for your child during this transition. You should also make sure you create realistic expectations of yourself.
FAQ about child custody
What if I don’t like our current child custody arrangement?
If you're unhappy with your current custody arrangement, work to maintain open and respectful communication with the other parent. A cooperative relationship can lead to more flexibility for everyone.
If communicating with your former spouse doesn't yield the desired results, consider seeking legal advice to modify or appeal the court order. Remember, any changes should prioritize the best interests of the child.
Checklist: How to Handle Shared Custody and Visitation in Divorce
What if our custody arrangement upsets my child?
It's tough seeing your child upset due to a new custody arrangement. During this time, focus on making the transition period as smooth as possible. Keep the handover stress-free and positive. Reinforce your love and support for your child. Encourage open communication about their feelings. Establish new routines to help them adjust, and reassure them it's okay to feel upset.
Seek professional help if needed, such as a child therapist, to help them navigate their emotions.
Could a mediator help with my child custody problem?
Absolutely. Mediation can be a powerful tool in resolving child custody issues. It provides a neutral space for both parents to express their concerns and formulate a mutually beneficial agreement under the guidance of a trained professional.
At Hello Divorce, we understand the complexities of navigating post-divorce custody arrangements. Our mediation services aim to foster open dialogue and cooperation to promote the best outcome for your family.
For more information about how we can assist you, visit our mediation services page. Let us help you turn this challenging chapter into a stepping stone towards a harmonious future.
