Advice for Co Parents With a LGBTQIA+ Child

• How co-parents can support their LGBTQIA+ child
• FAQ about co-parenting an LGBTQIA+ child
• Final thoughts
• References

Divorce is hard on everyone, and navigating those life changes when children are involved makes it even more challenging. The first step to co-parenting should be both you and your ex discussing your goals for your children and how you each plan to contribute. Do you agree on a visitation schedule? Do you agree on what structure should be present at both houses to maintain consistency? Your ability to get along and work together will determine how successful your co-parenting journey will be.

Having a child who is a part of the LGBTQIA+ community doesn’t change any of that unless one or both parents aren’t supportive. 

How co-parents can support their LGBTQIA+ child

Children can experience feeling “different” from other kids beginning in early adolescence. Whether a child expresses those feelings largely depends on how parents opt to show up for them. Parents are pivotal in creating and allowing a safe environment for their children (and other children) to be themselves and come out whenever they are ready. 

Regardless of what happened between you and your ex, your children should remain the primary focus and priority. Their safety, security, growth, and happiness should be at the forefront of your co-parenting and decision-making. If both parents spend more time disagreeing than working together, consider seeking a mediator, creating boundaries, or engaging in therapy. If therapy becomes an option, be sure to seek a therapist who is LGBTQIA+ friendly. 

Read: Protecting Kids' Mental Health in Divorce

Each child’s journey is unique

The rate and age at which adolescents become aware of their sexual orientation vary greatly. Some begin to understand their sexual orientation during childhood. For others, it could be the teen years. There are even some who either aren’t aware, don’t embrace it, or try to ignore their orientation well into adulthood. 

The reasons behind when and why someone can accept and disclose who they are may also vary. Family dynamics, support systems, societal expectations, and our culture can all play a role in these decisions and disclosures. 

Coming out can be scary

As scary as it can be to “come out”, society has made considerable strides in making the world a safer place for those identifying as LGBTQIA+. However, there is still much work to be done. 

Commonly, the decision for someone to feel comfortable “coming out” depends solely on societal and familial expectations and anticipated judgments. 

Your support is crucial

Parents, this is your time. How you choose to respond and support your child if and when they decide to come out can make a massive impact on their life and possibly the lives of others.

• If you opt not to be supportive, your child may never confide in you. They may pull away, and they may even experience severe mental health conditions and emotional turmoil.
• Choosing to support your child and love them for whoever they become sets the stage and potential for them to live a happy, safe, fulfilling life. Isn’t that what we all want for our kids? 

While our society and culture have shown improvement in many areas, there is still a lot of stigma and negativity surrounding those who identify as part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Those in this community still experience mental health crises and bullying and encounter negative attitudes and feelings from members of the community. 

FAQ about co parenting an LGBTQIA+ child

What if my child is afraid to come out to their other parent?

If your child has come out to you but is afraid to come out to their other parent, have you considered talking with the other parent on their behalf? We’re not suggesting that you “out” your child, but maybe it would be helpful to investigate their feelings on such topics to understand why your child is afraid to disclose this part of them to their parent. 

Another option is to talk to the other parent for them (with their permission) or offer to be with them as support when they tell the other parent.

Either way, you’re sending the message that no matter what, you love and support your child, and you are willing to help them in any way possible. 

What can I say to my co-parent who does not support LGBTQIA+?

As unfortunate as that is, the best (and frankly, only) thing you could do is simply ask them what they want for your child. Your child deserves to feel loved and supported and has a chance to live a happy and fulfilling life if their parents (you) love and support them fully. 

If the other parent refuses to try to educate themselves or look into why they have the feelings they do, they run the risk of losing parts of their child. A child who is not loved and supported will pull away. You could also suggest individual or family therapy. 

How can my co-parent and I learn more about parenting an LGBTQIA+ child?

There is no shortage of resources available on the internet. Do your research, reach out to LGBTQIA+ groups, and ask questions. 

As long as you are coming at it from the angle of wanting to educate yourselves and help (versus having a negative approach), people will welcome you with open arms. Feel free to use the free co-parenting plan worksheet we offer at Hello Divorce.

Final thoughts

The world is a big, scary place, and life is hard. Why would parents want to make it even harder on their children? 

Most parents want what is best for their children. Even if you don’t understand or agree, educate yourself, and find a way to love and support them. For more resources, head over to Hello Divorce.

References