Gwyneth Paltrow made headlines a few years ago after taking a “modern honeymoon” vacation with her new husband and ex. Although this may shock some divorced couples, others may take it as their sign to try vacationing as a family with their ex and kids.
After all, a joint vacation would make it easier for custody schedules and school break planning, wouldn’t it? Or would taking a trip with your ex make co-parenting with them more complicated?
Well, it depends.
Family vacation with an ex: Is it possible?
For many divorced couples, the idea of taking a family vacation together doesn’t even cross their minds. However, this has slowly become more popular among celebrities and common families alike. Before you plunge into a vacation with your ex, though, there are several pros and cons to weigh.
Benefits of family vacation with an ex
On the one hand, vacationing with your ex can help your children in many ways. It shows them that even parents who divorce can get along and spend time together peacefully. Also, it allows the children to enjoy experiences with both parents simultaneously, so both parents get to enjoy the moment.
Depending on your custody schedule, vacationing together can also alleviate some of the fighting about who gets the kids during breaks from school. It also gives you each a rare opportunity to see the other parent in action, which can be exciting and beneficial for you both.
Drawbacks of family vacation with an ex
On the other hand, it can be hard to maintain a friendly relationship with your ex and carry on like nothing happened. Even if you can do it for a few hours during a birthday party or soccer game, doing so on a family vacation is a different animal – and it doesn’t work for every couple.
If you and your ex went through a high-conflict divorce or still have issues co-parenting without arguments and problems, a family vacation may not be the best idea for you.
Similarly, a family vacation could send the wrong message to your children or even your ex. Situations like this can blur boundaries and give people hope when there isn’t any to be had.
And what if you find yourself experiencing unexpected or unwanted romantic or sexual tension with your ex? If you anticipate that could occur, a vacation together may be best avoided. If you’re already on vacation and the issue pops up, consider trying the following:
- It is not abnormal for exes to continue feeling sexual attraction for one another. In fact, the separation may increase the attraction.
- That does not mean you should act on it.
- Create stronger boundaries for yourself during the vacation if you worry about losing control in this manner.
Pre-vacation planning checklist
Some people are vacation planners; others prefer to fly by the seat of their pants when on holiday. Before going on vacation with your ex, however, planning is pretty important. It can help you avoid uncomfortable situations when you’re supposed to be having fun.
Before you pick up that suitcase, we offer this checklist of items for you to discuss with your co-vacationers.
Itinerary: Where are you going? What will you be doing there? Will family factions take independent excursions? Does everyone understand what to expect?
Personal space and boundaries: Where will each of you sleep at night? Will you be in separate rooms, separate wings of a hotel or campground, or even separate locations? How much time do you want to spend together as a family? How much time do you want to spend apart from your ex?
Expenses: Who will pay for what? If you’re splitting any tabs, which ones? At what percentage? What about kid-related expenses? How will the two of you communicate about money spent on your shared children?
Co-parenting: If the kids are coming along, which parent will they stay with during the day? Overnight? Which parent will pay for their admission fees, meals, souvenirs, and other expenses?
Emergency procedures: What will you do in the event of an emergency? Who will be responsible for the kids if you become unavailable? If your co-parent becomes unavailable? If needed, where would you seek emergency medical care?
Emergency contact information: Adults should share their emergency contact information with one another in case something unexpected were to happen.
Tips for maintaining boundaries during your vacation
You may decide that a family vacation with your ex and the kids makes sense. However, vacations require a lot of planning, especially when they involve a person with whom you have a mixed history. It can help a lot to think about logistics such as expense sharing, your itinerary, and how you’ll handle your dealings with each other ahead of time.
- Split expenses as equitably as possible. If you book hotel rooms, you can each pay for your own room. If you are doing an Airbnb or other rental home, consider splitting the cost down the middle. You can also split costs evenly when it involves the children and pay for your own things when it’s for individual adults.
- If you decide to pay for items in advance with the plan that your ex will pay you back, keep receipts for everything, and send them to your ex electronically. This creates a clear paper trail. The same goes for any communication about the vacation: Make sure everything is in writing somewhere, just in case disagreements arise later.
- Write a schedule before you leave. Block out time for each parent to do things on their own with the children, and coordinate some times for the entire family to do things. If you have multiple children together, it may also be a good idea to plan some one-on-one adventures for each parent with a child.
- Make sure you and your ex are on the same page regarding what you’ll spend on meals, souvenirs, and other aspects of the vacation. This will help avoid conflicts or confusion during the trip. Setting an agreed budget for items can be especially important if your income differential is significant because one parent may feel pressured to overspend in order to “keep up” with the other.
- Talk through how you’ll handle potential conflicts between adults or behavior issues with the kids before you set out on your trip. If possible, meet to discuss these matters in person without the kids so you can focus on a game plan. Addressing potential problems when you’re both level-headed can help make the vacation run smoothly.
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FAQ about vacationing with an ex
Could taking a family vacation with my ex actually benefit my children?
There are situations where a family vacation with your ex could be great for the kids. However, there are also situations where it could be harmful to everyone. You have to decide whether you and your ex have the type of relationship where this could work.
How can I avoid arguments or hurt feelings on a family vacation with my ex?
Although it’s impossible to predict every conflict that could come up, the best strategy is to plan out as much as possible ahead of time. If you and your ex are on the same page about everything, there’s less chance you will argue during the trip.
Can a family vacation with an ex work if one or both of us has a new partner?
You and your ex can certainly still plan a family vacation with your children and each bring your new partners. However, if your ex and your new partner or you and your ex’s new partner don’t get along, this may not be the best choice for your children.
Furthermore, if one of you has a new partner and the other doesn’t, this could stir uncomfortable feelings for one or both of you. Check in with yourselves and with each other to make sure you are truly comfortable with whomever is in your vacation group.
What are “boundaries,” anyway? It seems like a vague concept.
Your boundaries are your rules of engagement with other people. They are often unwritten and unspoken, yet it is expected that everyone should understand one another’s boundaries. If you’re unsure, it’s best to discuss the concept with your ex before taking off on vacation.
It may help to know that there are different types of boundaries: emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, sexual boundaries, time boundaries, financial boundaries, and more. Ask yourself what you will and won’t accept from another person. For example:
An emotional boundary: If you find yourself becoming upset (angry, jealous, or some other emotion) at your ex during the vacation, how will you get yourself away from the upsetting situation?
A physical boundary: Is it okay for your ex to hug you, or would you prefer to stay a few feet apart at all times?
A sexual boundary: What about flirting? Would you shrug off any light, seemingly inconsequential flirting that occurred between you and your ex, or would you get upset?
A time boundary: Is it acceptable to spend all day, every day with your ex during your vacation, or would you prefer to maybe just see each other for one meal each evening?
A financial boundary: Is it okay for you to pay for some of your ex’s expenses on the vacation (and vice versa)?
You and your ex know your history better than anyone. Can you hold a civil conversation with them about expectations and boundaries before you plan your getaway? If not, it may be best to hold off on a shared vacation.
A note about reconciliation and lingering emotions
Be aware of the fact that lingering emotions may exist between you as a couple. Also know that reconciliation could be on someone’s mind. If it’s not on your mind, perhaps it’s on your ex’s mind. They may think, What better time and place to reconcile than a cozy, inspirational family vacation?
It’s a good idea to manage your expectations. Be aware of them, know that they may or may not be fulfilled, and do the mental work to make sure you’re okay with what happens during this vacation.
For more thoughts on planning vacations and school breaks with an ex, check out these articles:
- Tips for Vacation Planning with a Difficult Ex
- How Divorced Parents Can Create Joyful Holidays with Young Kids
Reference
The Fragile Spell of Desire: A Functional Perspective on Changes in Sexual Desire Across Relationship Development. National Library of Medicine.
