Narcissistic Parental Alienation: Signs To Watch Out For

• What is parental alienation?
• Psychological traits of a narcissist
• Psychological impacts on children
• NPA during divorce/legal implications
• Signs of parental alienation
• Steps to take
• Emotional coping
• References 

Parental alienation is when one parent actively tries to damage their child’s relationship with the other parent. Often, it comes hand in hand with other narcissistic behavior aimed toward the other co-parent. 

While parental alienation is harmful enough, a narcissistic parent can take the behavior even further, harming the essential child/parent relationship and often causing damage to the child’s well-being. Keep reading to learn more about it and what you can do if it’s happening to you.

What is narcissistic parental alienation?

Narcissistic Parental Alienation (NPA) refers to instances where one parent who has at least some narcissistic tendencies or full-on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), manipulates their child to reject, fear, or show hostility toward the other parent. This behavior is often rooted in their need for control, validation, and retaliation, rather than genuine concern for the child's well-being. So, while the narcissistic parent may not intend to harm the child, they inevitably do.

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a term used to describe the negative behaviors of children toward their alienated parent. They may also display negative behaviors when away from their alienated parent, such as at school.

Characteristics of Narcissistic Parental Alienation

Here are ways to recognize NPA:

1.  Manipulation and control: The narcissistic parent uses tactics to control the child’s perceptions and emotions about the other parent. Tactics include lies, exaggerating flaws, and painting themselves as the victim.
2.  Abusive behavior: The narcissistic parent may use guilt, fear, and loyalty tests to persuade the child to reject the other parent. This emotional manipulation can lead to significant psychological distress for the child.
3.  Isolation: The narcissistic parent often tries to keep the child from the other parent, cutting off communication and reducing opportunities for the child to form a balanced perspective.
4.  Projection of blame: The narcissistic parent projects their own negative traits and behaviors onto the other parent to make the child think that they are untrustworthy or unhealthy to be around.

Psychological traits of a narcissist

It helps to understand the motivations and mindset of a parent alienating their child. The main psychological traits of a narcissist include:

1.  Grandiosity: An inflated sense of self-importance and superiority, with a need for excessive admiration.
2.  Lack of empathy: Difficulty recognizing or caring about others' feelings and needs.
3.  Exploitation: Using others to achieve personal goals.
4.  Entitlement: Expecting special treatment and privileges.
5.  Arrogance: A condescending attitude and a tendency to belittle others.
6.  Preoccupation with fame or success: Obsession with fantasies of great success, power, intelligence, or beauty.

Read: Narcissist Traits: Male vs. Female

Psychological impact of parental alienation on the child

Children subjected to narcissistic parental alienation can experience both short and long-term psychological effects, including:

• Identity confusion: Many children end up struggling with self-identity due to receiving conflicting messages and a lack of stable, consistent, loving relationships with both parents.
• Emotional distress: Anxiety, depression, and feelings of guilt or shame often result from manipulation and confusion over which parent they should be loyal to.
• Relationship issues: NPA leads to an unhealthy model of adult relationships. Many victims of NPA end up having difficulty forming healthy relationships due to distorted perceptions of trust and love. 

Parental alienation’s impact and legal implications during divorce and custody matters

NPA is likely to make divorce more complicated, as the narcissistic parent often refuses to cooperate or actively goes to “war” with the other parent. Here are some ways it can disrupt the divorce process.

Custody decisions

Courts are increasingly aware of parental alienation and its impact on custody decisions. Demonstrating NPA can influence the court to adjust custody arrangements to protect the child's welfare.

Evidence gathering

Legal battles often require substantial evidence, including testimony from psychologists, teachers, and other witnesses, to prove alienation. Establishing parental alienation can be complex, as it involves demonstrating that the alienating parent’s actions are causing significant harm to the child’s relationship with the other parent.

Child’s best interest (court principle)

Courts prioritize the child’s best interest, which includes their emotional and psychological health. Recognizing and addressing NPA is crucial to safeguarding these interests. The courts want to do everything in their power to ensure that the child maintains a healthy relationship with both parents can provide long-term emotional stability and a balanced perspective.

Detection/proving NPA

NPA behaviors can be subtle and difficult to detect. The narcissistic parent may appear charming and convincing, making it hard to prove their manipulative actions. Courts often rely on psychological evaluations to assess claims of alienation, which can be a lengthy and complex process.

Contempt of court

If a parent is found to deliberately alienate the child and violate court orders, they may face contempt charges. This could result in sanctions or modifications to their parenting time.

Parental rights

Persistent alienation can lead to reduced parenting time or even loss of custody for the alienating parent if it’s shown that their behavior is harming the child’s well-being. Courts may impose restrictions on the alienating parent’s visitation rights or require supervised visits to ensure the child’s safety and well-being.

How to know if a child has been subjected to parental alienation

How can you tell if your child is truly being subjected to a campaign of denigration by your former partner? A recent study establishes four factors mental health practitioners can use to differentiate an alienating parent’s behavior from other estrangements:

•  There was previously a positive relationship between the child and the alienated parent.
•  There was no mistreatment of the child or unacceptable parenting by the targeted parent.
•  Others have identified alienating behaviors by one parent.
•  Several indications of parental alienation are noted in the child’s behavior and responses toward the targeted parent. 

A child who has been systematically alienated from a parent will act and talk very differently than one who has made the decision not to see their parent on their own. 

Steps to take if you suspect NPA

For parents suspecting narcissistic parental alienation (NPA), taking steps to mitigate the negative effects on the family is crucial. Here’s a guide:

1. Document incidents

• Keep detailed records: Log any incidents or behaviors that suggest alienation. Note dates, times, and specific actions or statements by the narcissistic parent that undermine your relationship with the child.
• Gather evidence: Collect evidence such as text messages, emails, and recordings (where legally permitted) that show manipulative behavior or negative comments about you made by the narcissistic parent.
• Witness statements: Ask third parties such as teachers, family members, or friends to go on record with any observed alienation behaviors or noticed changes in your child’s behavior.
• Child’s feedback: Document any statements or changes in your child’s attitudes or feelings towards you that may indicate they are being influenced or manipulated.

2. Consult with a legal professional (optional)

• Seek legal advice: Meet with an attorney experienced in family law and parental alienation cases. They can guide you on the best course of action and help you understand your rights and options.
• File a motion: You may want to file a motion with the court for a modification of custody or visitation arrangements. The motion should be supported by your documented evidence.
• Request a custody evaluation: A mental health professional can assess the situation and provide an objective report to the court.
• Prepare for court: Prepare for any court hearings. This includes organizing evidence, formulating a clear narrative of how alienation is impacting your relationship with the child, and developing a strategy for presenting your case effectively.

3. Get emotional support

• Family therapy: Consider seeing a family therapist who specializes in parental alienation. Therapy can help address the emotional impact on your child and work toward rebuilding the relationship.
• Individual counseling: Therapy can help parents manage emotional stress and develop coping strategies. This can also help you maintain a calm and rational approach throughout the legal process.

4. Monitor and adjust

Regularly review the situation and the effectiveness of any interventions or legal actions taken. Adjust your strategies as needed based on new developments or feedback from professionals. Continue to demonstrate consistent, positive involvement in your child’s life, regardless of the challenges. This can help reinforce your commitment and counteract the alienation efforts.

5. Educate yourself

Educate yourself about narcissistic parental alienation and its effects. Understanding the dynamics can help you better navigate the situation and advocate effectively for your child’s best interests.

Read: Understanding and Protecting Kids' Mental Health in Divorce

How to cope if your child is the victim of parental alienation

If you suspect your child is the victim of parental alienation, it’s important to get this confirmed by a mental health professional who understands this behavior so you can work toward counteracting it. You want your child to experience the love, patience, and attention that they deserve. It’s not their fault that they are being manipulated by your ex. 

A manipulative household is a stressful one. When your child is caught in an alienating situation, it can have a negative impact not only on your relationship but also on their emotional well-being. 

Let your house be where your child can be themselves and feel safe without judgment. Don’t talk badly about your co-parent or try to get information about your ex’s potential alienation tactics. Spend quality time with your child without pressure, and listen closely to what they have to say. Let them experience who you are and not what your co-parent is telling them. 

Getting the help of a therapist who understands the importance of the parent-child relationship and treats parental alienation cases can help. If the alienation has gotten out of control, you may need an attorney to ask for changes to your court order, limiting your ex’s contact with your child. 

Parental alienation is emotionally abusive. It can harm your important relationship with your child. It can also be considered unlawful if your ex is not following your existing court order and parenting plan.

Don’t go through this alone. At Hello Divorce, we may be able to help. Schedule a free informational phone call to learn more about our services, which include legal advice from an attorney for a flat fee and mediation sessions with a professional trained in conflict resolution.

References

American Psychological Association (APA): The APA provides guidance on parental alienation and its implications for child custody and family law. APA on Parental Alienation.

Clawar, Stanley S. and Brynne V. Rivlin. "Children Held Hostage: Dealing with Programmed and Brainwashed Children." January 2003. 
This book, recognized by the APA, discusses the tactics and impacts of parental alienation. It highlights how manipulative parents, often with narcissistic traits, use psychological strategies to alienate the child from the other parent.

Warshak, Dr. Richard A. "Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing." January 2010.
Dr. Warshak, a leading authority on parental alienation, provides insights into how narcissistic behaviors contribute to alienation. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing these behaviors to mitigate their impact on children.