Narcissist Traits: Male vs. Female

• What is narcissism?
• Clinical NPD
• Research findings
• Other narcissistic gender differences
• Narcissism in relationships
• Step-by-step: setting boundaries 
• Psychological effects of narcissism
• Conclusion
• References

Although narcissism has gotten much attention over the past few years, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is one of the least-studied personality disorders, and there is still much about it that social science doesn't know. What some studies have found, however, is that men and women often express narcissistic traits in distinct ways.

What is narcissism?

We use the term “narcissism” loosely in conversation today, but clinical NPD is a true mental health disorder defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V). 

NPD: Clinical definition & diagnostic criteria

Few people have clinical NPD, a mental health condition characterized by a long-term pattern of inflated self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. 

People with NPD are arrogant, require excessive attention, and believe they are more important, intelligent, or talented than others. But deep down, their self-esteem is fragile. If they do not receive these forms of external validation, their psyche can crumble easily. 

NPD affects relationships, work, and other aspects of life because true narcissists struggle to think rationally, calmly receive criticism, and communicate in healthy ways.

About 6.2% of the population have NPD, and it is more commonly diagnosed in men than in women.

Diagnostic criteria for NPD (DSM-5)

To be diagnosed with NPD, one must meet at least five of the following nine DSM-5 criteria:

1.  Grandiosity (exaggerated sense of self-importance)
2.  Fantasies of unlimited success, power, intelligence, attractiveness, or romanticized “love”
3.  Belief that they are uniquely special
4.  Need for excessive admiration
5.  Sense of entitlement
6.  Exploitation of others to achieve their own goals
7.  Lack of empathy
8.  Envy of others or convinced others are jealous of them
9.  Arrogance

Additional features of NPD

• Fragile self-esteem. They can’t take any criticism.
• Interpersonal difficulties due to their lack of empathy and inflated ego.
• Strong emotional reactions to perceived slights or failures.

NPD has overlapping traits with Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Histrionic Personality Disorder.

NPD can be challenging to treat because individuals with the disorder often don’t think their behavior is a problem or irrational. They think everyone else is the problem, not them. But those who are open to treatment can benefit from psychotherapy, particularly cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). During therapy, the patient focuses on increasing empathy, managing self-esteem issues, and improving relationships.

Recognizing NPD 

People who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder have little empathy for others. They appear self-consumed and have a constant need for attention and admiration. 

But behind this mask of self-importance, people with NPD are usually unsure of themselves and their self-worth. While clinicians don’t know exactly what causes NPD, they speculate that a combination of genetics and upbringing could lead to the narcissist’s lack of healthy development. 

People who haven’t been clinically diagnosed with NPD can still exhibit many narcissistic traits. Whether they truly have the disorder or not is for a licensed mental health practitioner to decide. Still, you may find it interesting to learn the research: Men tend to exhibit narcissistic traits more than women, and certain narcissistic traits can be more prevalent depending on sex. 

Research on male vs. female narcissist traits

Because men and women are socialized differently, there are some differences in their general personality traits. 

Narcissistic traits are more commonly diagnosed in men than in women. Various studies and meta-analyses provide evidence to support this gender difference. Here are some key findings and statistics:

Prevalence of NPD by gender

According to data from the National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions (NESARC), the lifetime prevalence of NPD in the U.S. is about 6.2%. Specifically:

• 7.7% of men are diagnosed with NPD
• 4.8% of women are diagnosed with NPD

Gender differences in narcissistic traits

A 2015 meta-analysis of 470,000+ participants examined gender differences in narcissism across 355 studies over 30 years. The study found that:

• Men scored higher in narcissism across the lifespan than women.
• Two traits that men scored much higher on: Exploitativeness/entitlement and leadership/authority
• There was no significant gender difference in when it came to scores for grandiosity/self-admiration, suggesting men and women exhibit exaggerated self-importance at similar levels.

Narcissism and gender socialization

The meta-anaylsis above also suggested that narcissistic gender differences may be influenced by socialization:

• Men are more often socialized to value power and status. They are also more likely to expect these.
• Women are more likely to be socialized to value caring for others, which can decrease self-centered narcissistic behavior.

Men and pathological narcissism

A 2021 study examined pathological narcissism, a more severe form of NPD. It found that:

• Men are significantly more likely to experience pathological narcissism, particularly in grandiose narcissism.
• Women tend to score higher in vulnerable narcissism, which is characterized by hypersensitivity, insecurity, and defensive self-esteem.

Cultural and evolutionary explanations of gendered narcissism

Some evolutionary and cultural theories suggest that higher degrees of narcissism in men may be tied to traditional gender roles where men historically sought dominance and competition for resources and mates, whereas women may have evolved to focus on cooperative and caregiving roles.

Other narcissistic gender differences

There are other ways males and females express their narcissistic traits differently. Here are some signs of narcissism to be aware of.

Control

When trying to get and keep control over others, narcissistic men often resort to power and manipulation tactics, whereas women tend to use guilt, neglect, martyrdom, or sex to control the situation.

Anger

Male narcissists are typically more aggressive and explosive when they’re angry. Female narcissists tend to act out with more passive aggression, often withholding love and attention. 

Money

Because money equals status, it plays heavily into a narcissist’s need to be special. But men tend to focus more on attaining money (often through any means necessary) to boost their self-esteem, whereas women may focus more on spending it, especially if it belongs to someone else.

Appearance

While male narcissists tend to focus on exuding an appearance of wealth, charm, and success, female narcissists may obsess over looking perpetually young and sexually appealing.

Fidelity

Both men and women narcissists demand unrivaled attention from their romantic partners. If they feel they aren’t getting that, they will look elsewhere. 

Whereas narcissistic husbands often put little effort into these affairs and can often be serial adulterers, narcissistic wives can be more cunning in their pursuit of extramarital affairs, trapping the object of their desire and then holding them with threats.

Parenting

For female narcissists, their children become an extension of themselves and their need for admiration. They put the same type of pressure on their children to be special and perfect that they do themselves. They often show favoritism between children – which can lead to low self-esteem for one or more of the kids – and they may manipulate the children against the other. 

Male narcissists, on the other hand, tend to view their children as their own competition when it comes to getting attention from their partners.

More research is needed to better understand the lack of empathy and caring exhibited by most narcissists and the unhealthy effect it can have on relationships and society as a whole.

Narcissism in a relationships

Being in a relationship with a narcissist comes with some highly unique challenges. First of all, most people with NPD never get diagnosed. That leaves a lot of unsuspecting people out there who will inadvertently get involved with someone who is self-serving and uncaring. 

Narcissistic relationships can become co-dependent and difficult to maintain in a healthy way. If you believe you are with a narcissistic partner or spouse, it’s important to understand what you’re dealing with and how to handle the terrain.

You may have been attracted to your spouse because of their intense charm and successful persona. But the person you are in a relationship with now may be very different from the one who initially attracted you. Due to their own insecurities, they may crave excessive admiration, have an outrageous sense of entitlement, and exude other behaviors that harm their loved ones (including you!) instead of helping them.

It’s not your fault

You are not the problem. Although your spouse may want you to feel otherwise, you deserve respect and consideration in your relationship.

Don’t internalize their comments

Many comments made by spouses with narcissistic traits are meant to get a reaction or to manipulate. Their insults and criticism have little to do with you and everything to do with them. 

If you start to believe what they say, it can destroy your self-confidence and resolve. Learn how to advocate for yourself instead of being their doormat. 

Read: How to Negotiate Divorce Terms with a Narcissist

Don’t accuse

Accusing a narcissistic spouse will just trigger more of their anger and manipulation. When discussing issues with your spouse, try to stay calm. Frame the discussion from your viewpoint, using “I” comments instead of accusatory “you” comments. 

Avoid blaming and belittling

When dealing with a narcissistic spouse, you may be tempted to fight fire with fire. This can be self-defeating in the end. They can hurl insults and criticism without remorse, but you will probably feel guilty for your behavior, and that can keep you sympathetic and further accountable to your spouse. 

Not all narcissism is directed outward. Covert narcissism also exists. Covert narcissists tend to internalize their negative feelings about themselves. However, their behavior in a romantic relationship can be just as damaging.

Get support

When dealing with a narcissistic spouse, you may begin to question what is normal and what isn’t. You need a strong support system to provide you with validation and keep you on even ground. This may be a support group of spouses of narcissists, trusted friends, or the professional help of a therapist. 

Regardless of whom you work with, you need people who can help you keep sight of where normal behavior ends and bad behavior – manipulation tactics and other narcissistic abuse – beings.

Set clear boundaries

Decide what behavior you’re willing to put up with in your relationship and what is unacceptable. Then, decide what the consequences would be if your spouse were to cross into the no-zone. 

While sharing these boundaries with your spouse would be essential in a healthy relationship, realize that a narcissistic spouse may turn the conversation on you or disregard you completely. 

Step-by-step guide to setting boundaries with a narcissistic partner

Here are some expert tips on how to cope when you must have a relationship with someone with NPD or who exhibits narcissistic behaviors.

1.  Recognize your needs: Acknowledge how the relationship affects your well-being. Determine what behaviors are unacceptable (e.g., manipulation, criticism).
2.  Set clear and specific rules: Define what you will and won’t tolerate – and hold firm. Use specific language like, “I will not engage in conversations when you’re yelling,” or “I won’t accept disrespectful comments.”
3.  Communicate boundaries calmly: Be direct and calm. Narcissists may try to manipulate or dismiss your concerns, so it’s essential to stay firm. For example, “I need respect in conversations, and if that doesn’t happen, I will leave the room.”
4.  Set consequences: Follow through on consequences if boundaries are crossed. For instance, if you say you’ll leave the room during an argument, walk away. 
5.  Avoid arguments: Narcissists thrive in conflict. Stay neutral and avoid getting drawn into emotional confrontations. Keep responses simple, such as, “We’ll talk when things are calmer.”
6.  Seek support: Rely on trusted friends, family, or a therapist to help you maintain your boundaries and provide perspective on the relationship.
7.  Prepare for resistance: A narcissistic partner is likely to react negatively to your boundaries (through manipulation, anger, or guilt-tripping). Prepare for pushback.
8.  Distance yourself: If the narcissist consistently violates your boundaries and shows no willingness to change, you may need to end the relationship.

Long-term psychological effects of being in a relationship with a narcissist

Here’s a concise list of possible long-term psychological effects of being in a relationship with a narcissist:

• Low self-esteem, because constant criticism and manipulation can lead to diminished self-worth.
• Anxiety and depression due to emotional abuse and unpredictability.
• Emotional exhaustion from constantly managing the narcissist's demands.
• Loss of identity due to focusing solely on the narcissist’s needs.
• Hypervigilance and fear ir of conflict or criticism.
• Trust issues in other/future relationships.
• Isolation and disconnection from support systems.
• PTSD in prolonged emotionally abusive situations.

These effects can persist even after the relationship ends, making therapy and self-care essential for recovery.

Conclusion

Living with a narcissist can be difficult. You may have the desire to move on through divorce so you can reclaim your sense of self. But divorcing a narcissist can feel insurmountable.

If you are considering a divorce from a narcissistic spouse, Hello Divorce is here to help. We offer divorce plans and many other services that can help you disentangle yourself from a manipulative marriage into a new and bright future. Schedule a free phone call to see how we can help. 

Suggested: How to Divorce a Narcissist and Win

References