- Understanding a narcissist
- How to forgive narcissistic abuse
- Step-by-step: working toward forgiveness
- Real-life examples
- Recovering from narcissistic abuse
- Psychological impacts
- How forgiveness leads to healing
- FAQ
- Conclusion
If you’ve suffered with a narcissistic spouse (or ex-spouse), forgiveness may not be uppermost on your mind. You may feel as though you’ve been through hell and back with their narcissism. Why would you want to take more precious time out of your life to understand and forgive them?
Here’s the thing. Your feelings of anger and blame may be harming the most important person in this equation: you.
Forgiveness isn’t a waste of time when you do it for yourself. In fact, it may be key to letting go, moving on, and healing. When you forgive someone, it’s like saying, “You no longer take up residence in my heart, mind, and soul. You’re free. I’m free. We can both move on now.”
But how do you do this?
Empathy is the ability to place yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand why they feel and do what they do. In this case, you are trying to find empathy for someone who seemingly lacks empathy.
Understanding a narcissist
The human brain has evolved such that we have important emotional and social connections with each other. Empathy is essential for us to care about others, work together effectively, and operate as a society.
However, the feelings of empathy that have evolved in us as humans can be overridden, in some cases, by difficult environmental experiences and emotionally unhealthy childhoods. In other words, a narcissist’s lack of empathy may be attributable to something they couldn’t control. This knowledge can help you understand how the narcissistic person in your life got to be who they are in the first place.
While narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a formal clinical diagnosis, people who grew up in unhealthy childhood homes can exhibit some of these narcissistic tendencies:
- They have an inflated sense of self-importance or sense of entitlement.
- They exaggerate their achievements.
- They look for constant admiration.
- They have no problem taking advantage of others.
- They manipulate and gaslight people around them like pawns.
- They are self-centered and believe that others envy them.
- They’re unable to feel what others are feeling.
People with narcissistic tendencies tend to look accomplished and may even be charming at first. But behind all their success and bluster is often someone who grew up needing constant approval and attention in order to feel worthy. Many times, their constant need for attention is just a mask for the small, unloved child inside who is still seeking worthiness.
Conditional love
Narcissists are often brought up by caretakers who are conditional in their love. For them, it was not enough to be a child worthy of love. They had to earn it. If they weren’t exceptional or “the best,” they were devalued or ignored.
Sometimes, parents who inflict this type of treatment were children of narcissists themselves. In other words, the narcissist may have suffered narcissistic abuse in childhood.
How to forgive narcissistic abuse
Maybe you have divorced a narcissist. If so, you have been through a difficult time and are likely dealing with myriad emotions. You are finally free of this person, but you may still have a well of residual anger and hurt to overcome.
Forgiveness can be part of that.
Why is forgiveness important?
Forgiveness doesn’t mean your narcissistic ex’s behaviors were okay. It certainly doesn’t mean you want to continue a relationship with them. But it can help you reclaim your self-esteem and self-worth so you feel ready to move on after your divorce proceedings, unencumbered by the narcissist and their actions.
The purpose of forgiveness is your own well-being and mental health. It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you. You can acknowledge the hurt and pain you suffered, but what you truly want is freedom from it … and you can’t be free if you continuously carry the baggage of your ex-spouse with you.
Whether you can find empathy for your ex or just chalk it up to an unfortunate life lesson, the key is to drop the bag of anger and blame that’s toxic to you. They don’t need to – and probably shouldn’t – know anything about our choice to forgive. This forgiveness is for you and you alone.
Step-by-step: working toward forgiveness
Dealing with narcissistic abuse can leave deep emotional scars, making forgiveness challenging. Remember: it’s not about excusing the abuser's behavior but about freeing yourself. Here are some steps to take to get to a place of forgiveness and freedom.
Step 1: Acknowledge the abuse
You have been a victim of narcissistic abuse. Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions that come with this fact. Understand that your feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal are valid.
Step 2: Distance yourself
Establish and maintain firm boundaries to protect yourself from further abuse. Limit or cut off contact with the narcissist if possible. If you are in a physically or emotionally unsafe environment, seek help from trusted friends, family, or professionals.
Step 3: Ask for help
You might want to see a therapist who specializes in trauma and narcissistic abuse to get tools to heal and cope with the effects of the abuse. Or, you can join a support group. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can be validating and healing.
Step 4: Understand what “forgiveness” means to you
Understand that forgiveness is for your healing and peace, not for the benefit of the abuser.
Step 5: Process your emotions
It helps many to write about or use other creative tools to express their experiences and emotions. Journaling can help you process and make sense of what you have been through. Use art, music, or other creative outlets to express and work through your emotions.
Step 6: Practice self-compassion
Do self-care activities that nurture your body, mind, and spirit. This might include exercise, meditation, hobbies, or spending time in nature. You might also find it helpful to recite or read positive affirmations to rebuild your self-esteem and reinforce your worth and value.
Step 7: Look forward
Shift your focus from the past to your future. Set goals and create a vision for your life that is free from the shadow of abuse.
Step 8: Forgive yourself
You made the best choices you thought you had back then. Release any feelings of guilt or shame you may have for being in an abusive relationship. Understand that the abuse was not your fault.
Step 9: Forgive the abuser (optional)
If and when you are ready, consider forgiving the abuser, whether that is imagining what you would say, writing a letter, email, or text (whether you intend to deliver it or not), or if it’s safe, telling them in person. This does not mean reconciling or forgetting but letting go of the emotional burden.
Step 10: Move forward
Surround yourself with positive, healthy, supportive people who respect and care for you. Continue to focus on personal growth and healing. Engage in activities and pursue goals that bring you joy and fulfillment. Try not to leap into another romantic relationship. Healing takes time, and you need to learn to love this new you before you can welcome the partner you need and deserve into your new life.
Forgiveness is a deeply personal and often challenging process. Take it at your own pace, seek support when needed, and remember that the goal is to reclaim your peace and emotional freedom.
Examples of people who have successfully forgiven a narcissist
Need inspiration? Here are a couple of real-life examples of individuals who have managed to forgive after experiencing abuse. These stories highlight the resilience and inner strength of the individuals and provide valuable insights into the process of forgiveness.
1. Oprah Winfrey’s abusive childhood
Oprah Winfrey, a renowned media personality and philanthropist, experienced severe abuse during her childhood. Her family life was tumultuous, and she suffered from physical and sexual abuse by family members and others.
Oprah’s forgiveness journey:
- Acknowledgment and healing: Oprah has openly discussed her traumatic experiences on various platforms, acknowledging the pain and suffering she endured. She sought therapy and engaged in self-reflection to understand and heal from her past.
- Self-compassion: Oprah regularly focuses on self-compassion and self-care, reminding herself of her worth.
- Letting go: Oprah often speaks about the power of forgiveness and how it helped her move forward in life.
Outcome: Oprah is a powerful advocate for others who have experienced abuse. She emphasizes the importance of forgiveness in achieving personal peace and emotional freedom.
2. Case studies from the book, Healing from Hidden Abuse
The book’s author, Shannon Thomas, is a licensed clinical social worker who has written extensively about healing from narcissistic abuse. In this book, she shares multiple case studies of individuals who have successfully navigated the process of forgiveness.
Forgiveness journeys:
- Therapeutic support: Many of the individuals in Thomas's case studies sought professional therapy to deal with the trauma and emotional scars left by narcissistic abuse.
- Setting boundaries: The people in her case studies set and maintained firm boundaries to protect themselves from further harm and to foster healthier relationships.
- Personal growth: They made time for plenty of self-care and activities that promoted healing and self-worth.
- Reframing forgiveness: These individuals worked hard to release themselves from the grip of their abusers' actions while still acknowledging what they did was wrong.
Outcome: The individuals featured in Thomas's book found that forgiveness allowed them to regain control over their lives and emotions. They were able to move forward with a renewed sense of self-worth and resilience.
Recovering from narcissistic abuse
You might have unknowingly slipped into someone else’s narcissistic grip, but the last thing you need in the wake of this emotional abuse is defeating self-blame. After years of living with negative narcissistic behaviors, you may have lost trust in yourself and your own judgment. You deserve more.
You are strong and resilient, and you deserve to be respected and loved for who you are. Prioritize yourself. Shower yourself with love. Surround yourself with people who love and support you.
Narcissistic abuse can have profound psychological effects on the victim, impacting their mental, emotional, and even physical health. Understanding these effects and how forgiveness can serve as a healing mechanism is crucial for recovery. Here’s an in-depth look at the psychological impact and the role of forgiveness in healing:
The psychological impact of narcissistic abuse
There are many ways someone who endures narcissistic abuse may suffer. Here are the main potential effects and ways to heal.
- Emotional issues like mood swings, constant fear, anxiety, and depression.
- Low self-esteem, self-doubt, shame, guilt, and a diminished sense of self-esteem.
- Confusion: Victims struggle to reconcile the narcissist’s charming facade with their abusive behavior, leading to cognitive dissonance and indecision.
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in extreme cases.
- Isolation, both when in the relationship and after (due to losing friends or shutting people out).
- Identity struggles: Victims may lose their sense of identity as the narcissist erodes their autonomy and individuality. They may become overly dependent on the narcissist, believing they cannot function or make decisions without them.
How forgiveness leads to healing
- It’s an emotional release: Forgiveness allows victims to let go of the anger and resentment that can consume them, freeing up emotional energy for healing.
- It helps reclaim one’s power: Forgiveness helps victims reclaim control over their emotions and reactions, rather than allowing the abuser to continue having power over them. It empowers victims to move forward with their lives, focusing on their own needs and goals.
- Improves mental health: By releasing the burden of bitterness and hatred, victims can combat depression and anxiety. They can start feeling more positive and hopeful.
- Healthier relationships: Forgiveness can help victims rebuild trust in themselves and in others, paving the way for healthier relationships. As victims heal, they may feel more comfortable reconnecting with friends and family.
- Personal growth: The process of forgiveness often involves introspection, helping victims learn from their experiences and become stronger. Overcoming trauma and finding forgiveness can build resilience.
- Inner peace: Forgiveness can bring a sense of inner peace and closure, allowing victims to move on from the past and focus on the present. It can be a spiritual process that fosters a sense of connection to a higher purpose.
FAQ about forgiving narcissistic abuse
Does forgiving a narcissist mean I have to reconcile with them?
No, forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. You can forgive someone without letting them back into your life. Forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the emotional burden and not necessarily about restoring the relationship.
How can I forgive someone who hasn’t apologized or taken responsibility?
Forgiveness is about your own healing, not the other person’s acknowledgment of wrongdoing. You can forgive someone without them even knowing it, regardless of whether they have apologized or taken responsibility.
Can I forgive if I’m still feeling angry and hurt?
Yes, it is possible to start the process of forgiveness even while feeling angry and hurt. Acknowledging and processing your emotions is a crucial part of the journey to forgiveness.
How long does it take to forgive a narcissist?
The process of forgiveness varies for each individual and can take time. There is no set timeline for forgiveness, and it’s important to be patient with yourself as you work through your emotions.
What if I don’t want to forgive the narcissist?
Forgiveness is a personal choice and is not mandatory for everyone. If you are not ready or do not wish to forgive, focus on other healing strategies that work for you.
Conclusion
After suffering from being with a narcissist, it may be helpful to get the assistance of a therapist or join a support group that can help you recognize your own worth and keep you focused in the right direction.
Divorce turns life upside down, and it can take a long time and lots of personal work to recover and heal from it. If you’re in the midst of a divorce and need a caring, supportive team on your side, we can help. At Hello Divorce, we are here with a customizable set of divorce plans, professional services, and a library of resources that can help you navigate legal and practical solutions so you can recover and move on.
Schedule a free 15-minute call to see how we may be able to help you.
