How to Stop Romanticizing Unhealthy Relationships
- Unhealthy relationships in pop culture
- Unhealthy relationships as a cultural norm
- Unhealthy definitions of love
- 6 tips for healthier relationships
We love romance. Almost every movie, novel, or song we swoon over is rooted in some fictional version of love we grew up with. “Falling” in love. “Love at first sight.” “Happily ever after.”
None of these has anything to do with a truly happy marriage – a healthy love that grows in respect and mutual admiration over time. And yet, we persist in glamorizing romantic relationships that aren’t based on healthy love at all – and can even be downright unhealthy.
Unhealthy relationships in pop culture
There’s no better empty-calorie entertainment than pop culture. And we can’t seem to tear ourselves away, no matter how hollow or dysfunctional it is.
Why are we obsessed with who Taylor Swift’s latest love interest is? Why did we hang on to years of Britney Spears’ ever-tumultuous roller coaster rides with love, humiliation, and sanity? The Kardashians? The Bachelor? Is there anything normal and healthy about these relationships?
Pop culture is loaded with high-intensity, over-the-top dysfunctional romances. And yet, it’s hard to look away. Manipulation, jealousy, lying, cheating, co-dependency … The more passionate the relationship, the more problematic the behavior. Is it any wonder we’re willing to put up with all kinds of bad behavior in our own relationships when that’s what we see every day in the world of entertainment?
Unhealthy relationships as a cultural norm
Past generations accepted and normalized behavior we consider overbearing and downright abusive today. Women were once considered chattel, and talking about needs and perspectives was a big no-no. There was even a time when wives could be institutionalized by their husbands for “hysteria.” And husbands often were given a get-out-of-jail-free card when they got involved in a romantic ”dalliance.” After all, society said, boys would be boys.
The concepts of mutual respect, personal boundaries, and emotional well-being were not always exalted by society. The concepts of self-care and looking after your own needs were minimal to nonexistent in many circles. In fact, these concepts were never known by some people in American history.
Things are somewhat different now, but old relationship standards die hard, and marriages today still struggle with some of these same behaviors. There are still spouses who blame and devalue their partners to make up for their own insecurities. There are spouses who endure their partner’s jealousy and manipulation to maintain the outward appearance of a perfect couple. Infidelity, substance abuse, and domestic violence still exist.
A relationship that looks “romantic” on the outside but hides dark secrets isn’t normal or healthy.
Unhealthy definitions of love
A toxic relationship is one in which a partner feels trapped or chronically unhappy, or they endure harm – emotionally or physically – at the hands of their mate. The terms we use for these toxic forms of “love” are varied and have become altogether commonplace:
Codependency
When reliance on another person for validation blurs the lines between support and dependency, the relationship is often called codependent.
Low self-esteem
When one partner feels they don’t deserve better, they settle for treatment that’s less than respectful.
History of abuse
If a person has a history of past traumas, it can skew their perception of what is normal and acceptable in a relationship.
Attachment disorders
Those who had unhealthy attachments or relationships with primary caregivers can struggle in their later relationships with others, often tolerating unhealthy treatment and behavior.
Personality disorders
Personality disorders like NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) or BPD (borderline personality disorder) can affect a person’s ability to forge healthy relationships.
Addiction
Partners who suffer from an addiction also struggle to maintain healthy relationships on many different levels.
A healthy relationship requires two emotionally healthy adults. If one person has a history of abuse or other unhealthy behaviors, their current partner may suffer the consequences.
6 tips for how to stop romanticizing unhealthy relationships
If this sounds familiar, how do you break free from romanticizing harmful relationships and putting up with toxic behavior?
1. Strive for self-awareness
Take a step back in order to see the big picture and evaluate your relationship from a balanced perspective. Is it truly a good relationship? Does it bring out the best in you? Is there emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, mutual respect, and understanding?
2. Familiarize yourself with red flags and deal breakers
Understanding the red flags of an unhealthy relationship lets you watch for those signs of toxicity in yours. Doing the personal work to determine your deal breakers will help you know if a situation isn’t right.
3. Know your triggers
Do you normally get swept up in relationships based on looks, romance, and passion instead of a more mature version of love?
4. Get outside perspectives
Talk with people you trust to get their take on your partner and relationship. We often make excuses for our partner’s bad behaviors. Trusted friends and family won’t be quite so kind.
5. Acknowledge your part in the dysfunction
If you’ve dealt with past traumas or attachment issues in your primary family, recognize how this may have played a part in your acceptance of unhealthy behavior in your current relationship.
6. Get help
Your personal healing is crucial for a better life. This could involve therapy, support groups, or simply showering yourself with intense self-love. You will only attract a healthy, loving relationship in direct proportion to how much you respect and love yourself.
Society and media often depict heart-wrenching, intense relationships as romantic love, and we can get caught up in that fiction. Real love is founded on the more “boring” attributes of mutual understanding, respect, and freedom to be who you are. You owe it to yourself to find love that truly uplifts you. If you recognize unhealthy patterns in your relationship, it may be time to let it go.
In a toxic marriage? At Hello Divorce, we are here to support you with informative resources, online divorce options, and flat-rate professional services that can get you on your way to a healthy and fulfilling future.
