ADHD and Marital Satisfaction

• Challenges in a marriage with ADHD
• How can partners support each other in a marriage with ADHD?
• Is it possible for a marriage with ADHD to be successful?

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, is a common diagnosis these days. The CDC reports that between the ages of 12 and 17, an astounding 3.3 million people will receive an ADHD diagnosis. Boys (13%)  are far more likely to receive the diagnosis than girls (6%).

The American Psychiatric Association describes ADHD as “chronic” and “debilitating.” So, what exactly is going on? The cause of ADHD has yet to be identified, but genetics may play a role. 

ADHD affects various aspects of a person’s life, including their ability to focus, manage time, and stay organized. They may also struggle to regulate their emotions. The symptoms of ADHD can manifest as forgetfulness, impulsivity, disorganization, and inconsistency. Any of these could strain a marital relationship. 

Challenges in a marriage with ADHD

If you are in a long-term relationship with a person who has ADHD, you may experience challenges stemming from the symptoms of their mental disorder. For example, when speaking to your partner about something important to you, you may find that they become easily distracted or appear disinterested. This can be upsetting to you, as it may look like the person with ADHD is disinterested or uncaring.

The inattention can feel hurtful

When this happens, you may start to feel undervalued, misunderstood, and unloved. Frustration may turn to anger. Anger can build up over time, leading to resentment or your withdrawal from the relationship.

Here are some more specific issues that may arise in ADHD relationships.

The non-ADHD partner feels like a parent or caretaker

A person with ADHD may struggle with forgetfulness. They may miss appointments or deadlines, resulting in consequences small and large for the couple, from a late fee on a bill to a job loss over chronic tardiness. 

To avoid these negative consequences, the non-ADHD partner may take on more of a “parenting” role than they ever expected to. It can feel uncomfortable and disappointing to sit in this role, but if you’ve ever been there, you may feel as though you have no other choice. Your financial stability as a family may depend on your spouse getting to work on time, paying bills on time, and so on.

Because ADHD patients can also struggle with disorganization, the non-ADHD parent may take on more of the responsibility at home. For example, the non-ADHD spouse may perceive that they are always taking care of the kids or cleaning up messes because their spouse seems incapable of doing so.

When one spouse acts like a parent or therapist to the other, resentment can build, and affection can wane.

Both partners may struggle with intimacy

ADHD can negatively impact a couple’s sex life. The one with ADHD may find it difficult to be attentive and focused during intimacy. In turn, the other partner may feel neglected or unattractive. What’s more, if the spouse with ADHD takes medications for their condition, the side effects may affect their ability to perform.

Due to problems with impulsivity, some people with ADHD may be more likely to fall into inappropriate or risky sexual behaviors, including adultery. And as you may have heard, adultery is a contributing factor in 20% to 40% of divorces these days.

Communicating about, and perhaps planning, time for intimacy may help enhance it. 

How can partners support each other in a marriage with ADHD?

Understand the symptoms of ADHD

For the non-ADHD partner, it’s crucial to understand the symptoms of this disorder. While some behaviors can be hurtful, many, if not all, are unintentional. 

At the same time, the person with ADHD needs to understand their behaviors and how they impact the relationship. Although they cannot completely cure their ADHD, they can develop more self-awareness, and awareness may help them rein it in. It can also help the ADHD patient see the other person’s point of view more clearly.

Practice active listening

It’s not that a person with ADHD can’t focus; they simply struggle with it more. Serious, focused conversations can still be had, but they may need to be more intentional. During conversations, repeat key points to ensure understanding. Make lists, set timers, or use visual cues and reminders. 

Adhere to structure and routine

A predictable routine can make everyone’s life easier, whether they have ADHD or not, because they know what to expect and can plan accordingly. Establish predictable daily and weekly routines and systems for keeping the house clean, managing money, and whatever other daily tasks and responsibilities require attention.

Break tasks into smaller steps

A larger task can seem mountainous to a person with ADHD. Instead of tackling it head-on from the ground up, they may find themselves shutting down. It’s not that they don’t want to do the right thing. They are simply overwhelmed by all there is to do and unsure where to start.

Breaking large tasks into smaller steps can help.

For example, let’s say you and your partner have yard work goals for this weekend. Instead of trying to get it all done at once (on Sunday night!), consider setting aside several small chunks of time to accomplish your goals. You might rake for half an hour on Saturday morning, then pick up sticks and lawn debris for an hour in the evening. You might plan to mow the lawn on Sunday afternoon, then spend the evening sitting outside together, enjoying your work.

Is it possible for marriages with ADHD to be successful?

Yes, marriage can be successful when ADHD is in the picture. While ADHD presents unique challenges, it does not have to be a deal-breaker. For many people, these problems can be overcome with understanding, support, and effective communication.

If you haven’t found solutions to your problems yet, you may want to keep trying. Every relationship is unique, and what works for one couple may not work for another. Even the ideas presented in this article are just ideas. For you and your spouse, they may help. Or, something else might help more.

It can be hard to figure out how to cope and succeed in a marriage with ADHD. Consider working with a couples counselor who understands ADHD and specializes in helping people – and couples – thrive with it.

Reference

Infidelity and Behavioral Couple Therapy: Relationship Outcomes Over 5 Years Following Therapy. APA.org