Are You Married to Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?
Borderline personality disorder, or BPD, receives a fair amount of attention in popular psychology. It’s a personality disorder that, to be officially diagnosed, must meet criteria found in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition).
What is this disorder, and can it affect your marriage? In a word, yes.
According to surveys, it’s estimated that BPD affects 1.6% of the general population. If you were to survey a psychiatric inpatient population, however, that number jumps to about 20%.
Let’s explore what BPD looks like, how to recognize it in yourself or your partner, and what to do if you think BPD has touched your marriage.
Possible BPD behaviors
People with BPD can be intensely moody, erupting with anger, acting paranoid, or engaging in highly risky activities without seeming to care. They may vacillate from high to low mood to the detriment of their relationship to self and others. They may appear to think in “black and white,” believing that something (or someone) is either “all good” or “all bad.”
BPD behaviors have been described as “impulsive” and “over-the-top.” Suicidality and self-harm are real threats to the BPD sufferer. They may feel extremely empty, fear being alone or abandoned, or experience low or fragile self-esteem.
- People with BPD tend to have an intense fear of abandonment by their romantic partners.
- At the same time, BPD sufferers may seem averse to intimacy, which can confuse their partners.
- They may engage in self-destructive behaviors like cutting.
- Their impulsivity may manifest to an extreme: examples include excessive spending, reckless driving, excessive substance abuse, and physically harming themselves
- Though lying is not on the list of official BPD symptoms, many people have said their BPD spouse tells lies often.
These symptoms are definitely uncomfortable for the sufferer. They are also hard on a spouse or other loved one who cares for the person with BPD.
Support groups exist for just about every life situation you could encounter, including being married to a person with BPD. Learn about a helpful online support group platform here.
Is it really BPD?
If 1.6% of the population suffers from BPD, the odds are in your favor: You probably don’t have it. But that’s little comfort to the 5 million Americans who do have BPD as well as their family members.
You could read the symptom list above and think to yourself, “This describes my husband/wife/daughter/son to a tee.” But there are other types of mental health issues besides BPD, and a BPD diagnosis can only be made by a qualified mental health professional. This is important because in order to receive treatment, a diagnosis must first be made.
If you suspect that you or a loved one has BPD, a psychiatrist or psychologist is needed for diagnosis and treatment.
How is BPD treated?
Medication
Medication may be prescribed to help manage the symptoms of BPD. For example, a person with BPD might take antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds. But it’s not curative. Sometimes, hospitalization is required for a BPD patient in crisis mode.
Talk therapy
Talk therapy is critical for the BPD patient as well. Two of the most common approaches are dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
- DBT: The patient is encouraged to be mindful of their inner state and given coping strategies to help regulate their emotions so they do not escalate.
- CBT: The patient learns how to identify their automatic negative thoughts and stop them before they escalate. They learn how to reframe their negative thoughts positively, which ideally curtails their distress.
BPD is tough. Don’t go it alone; get professional help for your spouse and yourself.
What to do if BPD has touched your marriage
If you’re in a relationship with a BPD sufferer, remember that you have needs of your own. For you, self-care is doubly important. Think about what you need to stay healthy in this relationship.
- Do you need emotional support from a therapist? Support group? Life coach? Someone who can provide a safe space to explore and address your needs?
- Are you tending to your physical health? Getting enough sleep, water, exercise, and healthy food?
- Do you have coping mechanisms tucked in your back pocket that you can pull out for those times when your partner stresses you out?
Because communication with a BPD sufferer can be difficult (and your words can be misconstrued), quality communication is especially important in your relationship. Here are a few communication tips:
- Save important conversations for times when your partner is calm.
- Frame all interactions in a positive way. The BPD sufferer is very fragile and quick to negatively misinterpret communication.
- Ask them open-ended questions so they feel heard and seen.
- Avoid accusations and labeling.
- If your partner makes a threat of self-harm, take it seriously. It’s not your job to figure out whether they mean it or not. For your own peace of mind, assume they mean it, and act accordingly.
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline number is 1-800-273-8255.
BPD is not always a “divorce sentence.” There are many workarounds, but they require effort. And sometimes, therapy and coping strategies and self-care still aren’t enough.
If you’ve reached this point, we’re here to help. At Hello Divorce, we offer a broad array of divorce plans and services and will guide you through the process. You’re not alone in this. To speak with a friendly and knowledgeable account coordinator, schedule a free 15-minute phone call here.
