How to Effectively Communicate Your Feelings and Needs in Divorce
Working through separation or divorce is difficult for everyone involved. It’s a time filled with transitions and strong emotions, which can make even the most calm and collected people feel overwhelmed.
One of the most stressful aspects of divorce is the communication that must continue between you and your spouse during each step of the process. Many people find it awkward or difficult to talk to their soon-to-be ex, and these conversations can leave both parties feeling frustrated and drained.
Here’s the thing, though: Communication with your ex doesn’t have to be quite so tense and painful. You can learn how to effectively express your needs and feelings to your ex no matter what stage of divorce you’re in.
Why is communication so hard in divorce?
Effective communication is important in any relationship, but it’s especially important in situations like divorce. The two of you must be able to effectively express your needs and emotions to work through the situation and create a divorce settlement. That said, communicating with a soon-to-be-ex can be hard for several reasons.
- You might find it hard to express your needs and emotions because of relationship dynamics that were established during the marriage. For example, you may have come to believe your thoughts or wishes didn’t matter, and this is a hard mindset to break.
- You might find it easy to express your feelings and needs but hard to do so in a way that keeps the peace. Bitterness or anger toward your spouse can cloud your ability to communicate peaceably, putting your ex on the defensive and leading to arguments.
- You might be in the midst of a mostly amicable divorce, yet it’s still hard for you to communicate effectively with your spouse at times. Divorce evokes strong emotions for everyone involved, and these feelings can impede your ability to effectively communicate.
Although it may feel like clear communication with your ex is impossible, the good news is that it really isn’t. You just need the right tools for the job.
Tools for communication in divorce
Set and maintain boundaries
Boundaries are rules we establish in our interpersonal relationships to help keep things amicable, respectful, and fair. Setting boundaries is an important part of any relationship, but it’s especially important during and after your divorce.
Setting firm boundaries communicates expectations for your future together so you can both move on. These boundaries can safeguard you from a lot of anger, bitterness, and heartache going forward. The boundaries may change as your relationship evolves post-divorce, but it’s far easier for everyone if you set boundaries from the get-go and adjust them as needed.
Prepare ahead of time
Whether you are talking about divorce proceedings or inquiring about a situation months after your divorce has been finalized, it’s easy to get sidetracked and go off-topic. Unfocused conversations can quickly lead to conflict. For this reason, you will want to find ways to stay on topic as much as possible.
One way is to prepare your words ahead of time. You don’t need to necessarily write a script, but you can jot down talking points and think about potential issues that could arise and how you’d handle them. Preparing yourself will help you stay on topic, and it will give you the tools you need to cope with the conversation if you do encounter a bump in the road.
Use “I” statements, not “you” accusations
“I statements” or “I messages” are a form of communication in which you focus on your own feelings, beliefs, and needs rather than the other person’s behaviors and thoughts. These statements keep the conversation focused on you, which leaves less room for defensiveness or accusations.
Keep your emotions out of it
No matter where you are in the divorce process, chances are speaking to your ex is something that evokes an emotional response. Unfortunately, emotions can cloud your judgment and push you to act in ways that aren’t conducive to effective communication. So, try to remove emotion as much as possible, and stick to the facts when you communicate with your ex about any topic.
Use digital communication
Text messaging and email are regular parts of our everyday lives. Although these forms of communication can sometimes make things ambiguous, they are great for conversations where the other person’s body language may be problematic and discussions where a paper trail is helpful. What’s more, electronic communication makes it easier for you to remove emotion and choose your words carefully.
When using electronic communication, avoid apps that automatically delete conversations (like Snapchat), and stick to ones that give you the option to maintain or even download the conversation, such as email or your phone’s default text messaging app. If you are co-parenting with your ex, some great co-parenting apps can help you get on the same page when it comes to your kids.
Getting help
No matter what stage of divorce you are in, you have the right to express your feelings and needs to your former spouse. If you’re overwhelmed by the prospect of this, don’t go it alone.
If you are having a hard time with assertiveness or your own communication, you may want to work with a life coach or therapist who can help you with communication skills. A trained professional can give you a safe space to practice these skills before you use them with your ex.
If you’re struggling to stay on the same page with your ex during the divorce process, a mediator may be able to help you both express what needs to be said. Mediation is a collaborative solution to divorce, and divorce mediators are trained to help separating couples communicate effectively. At Hello Divorce, we partner with many great mediators who can help you navigate the process. Click here to read more about this service.
