What to Do if Your Spouse or Partner Ghosts You
- What it means to be ghosted
- Ghosting in dating or casual relationships
- Ghosting in marriage
- Why people ghost
- Emotional impacts
- Coping strategies
You’ve been dating or in a relationship, and your partner suddenly seems checked out or has even bailed on plans for the umpteenth time. Then, you hear nothing from them. Zip. Nada. Crickets.
You text or call but get no response. You swear they have dropped off the face of the earth, or are actively avoiding you. But it seemed to be going just fine, or there's no justification for their total disengagement. What the heck happened?
You may have been ghosted.
What does it mean to be ghosted?
Ghosting is when one person in a relationship abruptly cuts off contact with the other without warning or explanation. There is no face-to-face explanation, apology, or confrontation of any kind. And while the concept isn’t new, technology has made it far easier. Don’t like something someone did? Ghost them. Not interested in a relationship? Ghost them. Want to avoid a messy breakup? Ghost them.
You can be ghosted by friends, a spouse, or even a potential employer. When someone wants to avoid confrontation, ghosting provides the quintessential easy way out.
Ghosting in dating vs. ghosting in marriage
Granted, breaking up with someone is a hard thing to do. It’s messy and emotional. Someone is going to be hurt, angry, or downright confrontational. It can be tempting to ghost others rather than deal with the inevitable arguments, tears, and anger that accompany a breakup. But is it really?
Taking the easy way out is never as easy as it seems, and it can get particularly complicated when it’s a long-term relationship or marriage.
Ghosting in dating
In a casual dating scenario, ghosting may seem like a less confrontational way to let the other person know you’re not interested. After all, neither of you has invested much in the relationship. What can it hurt?
But while it may be easier for the ghoster, the ghostee is left wondering what happened. It’s definitely not kinder. Especially if you’ve spent a lot of time together, you both owe each other a deeper level of respect. Ghosting is the antithesis of respect. And for some, it can be downright heartbreaking.
If you’re on the receiving end of ghosting, you may justify it in the beginning or even be worried. Did something happen to them? Are they just busy with work? Eventually, it becomes painfully clear they’re avoiding you. You feel hurt and confused. What did you do?
What can you do if you are being ghosted by someone you were dating?
In the immortal words of breakup vocabulary, it’s not you, it’s them. Try not to take it personally. Do you want someone in your life who can’t communicate with honesty or be trusted with your heart? This person seems incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship. While you might want closure or to understand what made the relationship end, it’s unlikely to happen. Accept that they are incapable of what you deserve, and move on.
Ghosting in marriage
Ghosting in marriage is a lot trickier. Your spouse may not have altogether physically disappeared from your marriage, but you no longer do anything together. There is no intimacy or sex. Perhaps you’ve wondered if there’s a new partner in the background. And perhaps, when you tried to discuss it, you got denials with an underlying dose of apathy.
Some situations are even more complicated. A spouse might physically move out without warning, and they might fail to respond to any communication. It isn’t a case of mixed messages here: They are gone.
Ghosting a spouse is not only hurtful, but it can be legally impactful. Their intentionality means they may have been planning this for a while. While your spouse may just be taking time to “clear their head,” you are the one at a disadvantage. Their absence could significantly impact you financially if your spouse has access to all your shared accounts.
While you may still be reeling emotionally from your spouse’s absence, it may be important to speak with an attorney as soon as possible to understand how to protect yourself. Abandonment can be grounds for divorce. If you decide to file for divorce, you will need to serve your spouse and notify them of your intentions. If you don’t know where they are, it can take time to go through the proper legal channels.
The emotional impact of ghosting
If you’re on the receiving end of ghosting, it denies you the ability to understand and process what happened. You have no control, no idea what happened, and no sense of closure. If you were seriously involved with that person, it can take a toll on your mental health and self-esteem.
Reasons people ghost others
People cut off contact with another person they have been in contact with for a variety of reasons. And while it can be hurtful, it usually says a lot more about the ghoster than it does about the other person. Why do they do it?
- It’s more convenient and less messy. Social media and technology make ghosting oh-so-easy. Why deal with the messiness of human emotions and interaction when they can just do a digital disappearing act?
- There's an unbalanced interest in the relationship. They don’t want to pursue it further, and it’s just easier to passively let it go away.
- The relationship is so new, they don’t think they owe the other person any explanation.
- The ghoster has an avoidant attachment style and is afraid of closeness.
- The ghoster has an anxious attachment style and is generally insecure about relationships.
- The ghoster has mental health issues that get in the way of having a normal mutual relationship.
Not all ghosters have bad intentions. They may not want to hurt you. Due to their insecurities, they may have actually convinced themselves that this type of relationship dissolution is kinder (it’s not) or that you are better off without them. Or, they may believe that they have already let you down and avoid being called out on that.
Coping strategies if you've been ghosted
The best way to protect yourself from ghosting is to fully understand your own needs first. Be upfront with your expectations. Pace new relationships slowly. Be honest with yourself. Does this relationship fulfill what you really want in a relationship, or has your “need” for a romantic relationship created a blind spot? Pay attention when things feel uncomfortable. Your well-being matters. Are you missing some serious red flags that suggest you’re wasting your time?
At Hello Divorce, we know that relationships can be tricky. We also know that nobody deserves the wasted time of a bad one, including a bad marriage. If you are considering divorce or need advice after your spouse has emotionally or physically disappeared, we may be able to help. Schedule a free 15-minute call to learn more.
