Coping When Your Ex Continues to See their Affair Partner

• When your ex stays with the person they cheated with
• How to cope when the affair continues
• Tips for moving on after infidelity

There’s enough bitterness to go around during and after a divorce between the hurt, fear, and vulnerability. But add a bit of betrayal to the mix, and you have a whole new level of tumult. The bad feelings only intensify if your ex’s affair partner appears to be quickly moving into your place upon your departure.

Bitterness? Resentment? This only describes the half of it. How do you move on after divorce without being consumed by your own anger?

Common emotions when the affair continues

You remember all the lies, the betrayals, the claims of innocence. Yet here they are, happily moving on with their lives, your ex and the very person they formerly claimed “meant nothing'' to them. 

You want to move on, and yet just knowing they’re still together has you stuck. Seeing them together? That throws you into emotional overdrive. 

Anger

You’re angry, and your emotions feel raw. You were betrayed, it was unfair, and your ex’s selfish actions have impacted your entire life and future. You don’t know what to do with all your anger. 

Resentment

Your life has been turned upside down, yet your ex gets their “happy ending.” You put years into this relationship. Where is your happy ending?

The loneliness

While it’s normal to feel lonely after a divorce, watching your ex get on with their new life (with the person who ruined yours) makes your loneliness feel even more unbearable.

How to cope when the affair continues

How do you get over this kind of betrayal, especially if your ex and “that person” are in your face or you’re co-parenting with the “happy couple?”

The person you loved was unfaithful, and it wasn’t just a small dalliance. It was a huge hurt, the kind people often don’t get over. In fact, it’s the kind of hurt that can affect you for the rest of your life – if you let it. And that’s where you have a choice. 

How do you keep it from being a roadblock for the rest of your days?

Allow the feelings

Let the feelings come. Grieve the loss. Feel the injustice. Let it take as long as it takes. 

In the meantime, you’ll see some pinpricks of light. Maybe you’ll come to understand that both of you weren’t happy with the marriage after all, and they did you a favor. Maybe you’ll start to feel little glimmers of relief and independence when you realize your life is now your own. Maybe it will just take time for the sting to dissipate. 

Don’t make it harder on yourself

It might feel like you’ll never get over this, but you will. Don’t make it worse on yourself by numbing with booze, drugs, or food. Take extra care of yourself so you’re not tempted to do things that don’t serve your best interest. Create some impenetrable boundaries for yourself, and be your own best friend. 

Find your tribe 

Talk this out with friends, family, a support group, or a therapist. With all of the above. You’re certainly not the only one who has been the victim of their spouse’s infidelity, and you don’t have to work through this alone. Sometimes, talking with others who “get it” is all it takes to loosen the emotional grip of a spouse’s betrayal.

Tips for moving on after infidelity

Take the time you need, but don’t get stuck there. After all, your ex has already wasted too much of your valuable time. Moving on is the goal. 

• Every tiny step counts toward a new, better future. Celebrate small victories, and acknowledge the most incremental movement forward. Before you know it, seeing your ex and “friend” won’t even make the smallest movement on your emotional Richter scale. 
• Rediscover who you were before marriage made you someone else. This time, make a promise to yourself to prioritize that person no matter what relationships you may encounter in your future. 
• Stay open to new experiences. It’s easy to become jaded after what you’ve been through. But there are still honest and loving people out there. Don’t let your past define your future. 
• Keep your kids’ interests at heart. If your ex stays with that person, you will have to find a way to co-parent with them. No matter how hurt and angry you are, your kids are the most important thing. Pat yourself on the back for being an awesome parent.

Coming to terms with a spouse’s betrayal, especially when they continue to carry on with that relationship after your divorce, can be unnerving and create a quagmire of feelings that are hard to shake. Fortunately, today’s pain usually ignites tomorrow’s strength, if you let it. Use that newfound strength and resilience to rebuild a life that no one else can pull out from under you. 

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