- What is breadcrumbing?
- Breadcrumbing in different relationships
- Signs a person is breadcrumbing you
- Coping tips
- Why people breadcrumb
- How to respond
With today’s dating apps and online sites, romantic options are as close as a virtual swipe. While it’s convenient, it can also leave you feeling vulnerable as a potential dating partner. And when you finally do connect, what if the person on the other side of the connection keeps you at digital arm’s length? That can send your feelings of vulnerability into overdrive.
What does “breadcrumbing” mean?
If you’re being breadcrumbed, you’re being led on. The person at the other end of the relationship has given you just enough positive interaction, or “breadcrumbs,” to indicate interest in you, but it never seems to get beyond indirect messages or a surface connection. Are they interested or not? Are they in this relationship for real or what?
When you’re dealing with a breadcrumber, you never quite know where you stand.
Breadcrumbing in different relationships
Breadcrumbing can manifest differently depending on the type of relationship. Here are the main distinctions in each context, plus commonalities.
Friendship
- Inconsistency: This friend occasionally reaches out or makes plans, but they do not follow through consistently.
- Mixed signals: They give you just enough attention to keep you invested but fail to be a dependable friend.
- Superficial interactions: Conversations usually lack depth or are one-sided.
- Emotional confusion: The person being breadcrumbed feels confused, but fails to get clarity if they ask questions.
- Trust issues: It is hard to rely on or feel close to the breadcrumbing friend.
Dating/romantic prospect
- Minimal effort: Sporadic texts, brief conversations, and limited in-person time.
- Ambiguous communication: They use vague language about the future or their feelings, leaving the other person unsure about where they stand.
- Hot and cold behavior: One minute they seem interested, the next they are pulling away.
- Emotional ups and downs: The person being breadcrumbed experiences highs and lows about the relationship and its future.
- Frustration: The person being breadcrumbed spends a lot of time and emotional energy on the relationship, but it never seems to move forward.
Marriage/committed partnership
- Neglect: One partner largely neglects the emotional and physical needs of the other.
- Empty words and promises: The breadcrumber says they care and want to improve the relationship, but their actions do not back the words up.
- Superficial interactions: They avoid deeper conversations and activities.
- Loneliness: The partner being breadcrumbed feels emotionally disconnected and unwanted.
- Resentment: The neglected partner may start to feel annoyed with the breadcrumber.
- Relationship problems: Breadcrumbing often leads to a divorce or separation.
Co-parenting
- Inconsistent involvement: One parent fails to consistently participate in the child's life, leaving the other to wonder if and when they will be there. They are pretty good at convincing you or your child they want to show up for things, though.
- Unreliable communication: They make vague commitments or frequently change plans, making it hard to stick to a parenting schedule or plan.
- Lack of interest: When they do engage, their involvement might lack depth. They do not seem to listen or know as much as you do about your child’s life and interests.
- Unequal division of parental responsibilities: The primary or more involved parent may feel stressed and overwhelmed by the unreliable support of the breadcrumbing parent.
- Instability for the child: Kids with breadcrumbing parents often experience emotional distress due to inconsistent support.
Commonalities across relationship contexts
Manipulation is the overarching marker of a breadcrumbing situation. In all cases, breadcrumbing involves some level of manipulation, where the breadcrumbing person seeks to keep the other engaged.
Breadcrumbing behavior always causes the person on the receiving end emotional confusion and a sense of instability and can harm their self-esteem and trust.
Lack of commitment is another big one. A key feature of breadcrumbing is the reluctance to fully commit, whether in a friendship, dating scenario, parental role, or marriage.
Specific signs a person is breadcrumbing you
Digital communication in general can make it hard to gauge someone’s interest and intentions, but breadcrumbing takes it to a whole new level.
You might be dealing with a breadcrumber if any of the following apply.
- They’re great at saying all the things you want to hear, but their actions do not correspond to their words.
- When you try to make plans to get together, they often cancel at the last minute or don’t show up because of an "emergency."
- If they do make plans, they’re usually last-minute or for a self-serving reason, like they need a favor, sex, or something else from you.
- The person sends messages, texts, calls, or stops by intermittently, often with long gaps in between, without any clear pattern. Replies to messages are unpredictable and often delayed, leaving you waiting and wondering.
- They may interact with you on social media (liking posts, commenting) but fail to engage meaningfully in person or through direct communication.
- When you decide you’ve had enough and back off, they suddenly seem interested again.
- They never seem sorry about any of the above, and dismiss your hurt feelings if you express them. They always seem to have an excuse.
- Something feels very off, and when you ask them about it, they make you feel like you’re being paranoid (they gaslight you).
- They occasionally make small gestures of affection or interest that might be really touching – just enough to keep you engaged without making any substantial effort or a full commitment to your relationship.
Identifying these signs can help you recognize breadcrumbing behavior and take steps to protect yourself. It's important to communicate your needs and boundaries clearly and to consider distancing yourself from relationships that consistently exhibit these signs without any improvement.
Spend enough time being strung along by them and you will end up feeling hurt, confused, and used. You start to question yourself and wonder what you did wrong to make them act this way.
Possible psychological effects of breadcrumbing
Breadcrumbing, whether it occurs in friendships, dating, marriage, or co-parenting, can have significant emotional impacts on the individual being breadcrumbed. Here are some possible effects:
1. Emotional instability
Frequent shifts between hope and disappointment can lead to moodiness and frustration. Uncertainty and unpredictability in the relationship can cause ongoing anxiety.
2. Decreased self-esteem
Constantly questioning why the other person is not fully committing can lead to self-doubt and diminished self-worth. The breadcrumbed individual may feel they are not good enough or are lacking in some way.
3. Trust issues
Experiencing breadcrumbing can make it difficult to trust others in future relationships. The fear of being led on and then abandoned can make one expect rejection from others.
4. Depression
The lack of genuine connection and support can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation, especially if breadcrumbing is happening in a committed relationship.
5. Attachment Issues
Breadcrumbing can lead to the development of anxious, disorganized or avoidant attachment styles (as opposed to secure), making it difficult to form healthy, secure relationships in the future.
6. Difficulties with routines and decisions
The emotional turmoil and preoccupation with the relationship can lead to decreased focus and productivity in work or daily tasks. The stress and emotional drain can result in neglecting personal well-being and self-care routines.
The ongoing uncertainty and emotional strain can impair the individual’s ability to make clear and confident decisions. In an attempt to gain clarity or closure, they might make impulsive or risky decisions.
Coping strategies
To mitigate these and other psychological effects, the breadcrumbed individual can:
- Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist.
- Establish and maintain clear boundaries to protect their emotional well-being.
- Engage in activities that promote self-care and well-being, such as exercise, hobbies, and mindfulness practices.
- Work on building self-esteem and recognizing their worth.
- If breadcrumbing persists and causes harm, it might be best to downgrade or end the relationship.
Why people breadcrumb
Breadcrumbers act this way because of their own insecurities and mental health issues. They had these unhealthy relationship tendencies before they met you, and will continue to have them if they aren’t willing to work on them.
Common reasons people breadcrumb can include:
- They need constant validation to feel good about themselves.
- They’ve been hurt in other relationships, and they avoid connection as self-protection.
- They have an avoidant attachment style that causes them to withdraw as soon as someone gets close.
- They’re not able to commit.
- They’re narcissistic and manipulative, and this is just their game.
- They're already in another relationship, but they still want that high from the pursuit.
While the coping mechanisms used by a breadcrumber will keep them from a real and meaningful relationship, your interaction with them also keeps you from that.
How to respond
Once you recognize breadcrumbing behavior, it’s time to address it for your own well-being.
If you’ve been the victim of a breadcrumber, know that you deserve better. Even if this is someone who really interests you, it’s obvious they’re not someone who’s going to respect you or enhance your life even if they did allow you to get closer.
Breadcrumbing behavior can exist in ongoing relationships and even marriage. A lack of consistency or commitment in an intimate relationship can leave you feeling conditionally cared for and strung along. You may have even become dependent on the little emotional morsels they throw your way. If you’re divorced and dealing with breadcrumbing behavior by your co-parent, it can be sheer manipulation and control.
So, how do you respond to breadcrumbing in different situations?
In dating or friendships
- Don’t take their actions personally. As the old saying goes, it’s not you, it’s them. With someone who breadcrumbs others, it’s very true.
- Don't waste your time on someone who is breadcrumbing you. Date other people. Expand your other social outlets.
- Be honest with them. If their behavior doesn’t change, cut ties. Let’s be serious. If they are unwilling, do they really care? Probably not.
- Don’t do it to others. Are you inadvertently breadcrumbing other people? It can be easy to do in the online dating world. Examine your own motivations.
In an intimate relationship or marriage
- Be honest with yourself. Do you tend to attract people like this? If so, you might want to consider why. You may consciously or subconsciously believe you don’t deserve better.
- Look at your boundaries and what you’ve been willing to accept from others. Have you given them too many free passes for bad behavior? Stop giving them permission to control you and overstep your boundaries.
- Be honest with them. You deserve to be respected and not strung along. Find out what’s really going on with their inability to be direct, and discuss how to fix it.
- If breadcrumbing has been a constant in your relationship or marriage and you’ve tried to fix it on your own, it may be time to consider therapy or even going your own way.
In co-parenting (post-divorce)
- If you’re trying to have a healthy co-parenting relationship with your ex, but they’re inconsistent or missing in action, their breadcrumbing may need to be legally addressed.
Whether it's a casual online thing or you’re married to a breadcrumber, feeling like you’re being taken advantage of is never pleasant.
What do you expect from your relationship, and what are you willing to accept to get that? Setting clear personal boundaries for yourself and others is healthy and essential, from dating to divorce.
If you’re struggling with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries, we understand. At Hello Divorce, we are your one-stop resource for legal and professional services as well as emotional support. Schedule a free 15-minute introductory call to see how we can help.
