The ESFJ personality is extroverted, sensing, feeling, and judging.
ESJFs tend to be loyal, practical, and outgoing with a strong sense of duty toward the people in their lives. They are team players who selflessly protect the well-being of their family and friends. As a result, they feel vulnerable when important relationships are jeopardized, and they tend to internalize negative events and take them personally.
Learn about the Myers-Briggs test and the other 15 personality types.
Tips for handling divorce as an ESFJ
Step outside yourself for a while
ESFJs can get so caught up in their own feelings that they fail to remember there are other points of view and ways of life out there. Seeing things from another viewpoint can be highly refreshing, especially during divorce when you may be immersed in negativity and saddling yourself with a boatload of guilt.
Take time to “step outside yourself.” Read a book, watch a movie, see a play, or catch up with a friend to hear more about their life. It’s healthy and refreshing to escape your own reverberating thoughts for a while.
Understand that marriage is a two-way street
The failure of your marriage is not entirely your fault. Your spouse played a part, too. Acknowledge any feelings of guilt you may have, but do not allow yourself to wallow in shame. Read our resource Divorce Healing: Embracing Guilt, Letting Go of Shame for more about the difference between healthy guilt and unhealthy shame. Open yourself to moving on, emotionally and otherwise, from this tough situation. It’s unhealthy (and unfair to you) not to do so.
Don’t let others overrule you
ESJFs prefer to avoid conflict, and right now, you may be faced with lots of conflict. During divorce negotiations, don’t allow your spouse (or their lawyer) to railroad you into agreements that aren’t right for you. Instead, finesse your divorce strategy, and work toward compromise. If you’re not sure how to do this, consider hiring a mediator to help you and your spouse reach important agreements on property, debt, the house, the kids, and other issues on your plate.
Analyze your priorities—and make time for them
As a people pleaser who prizes interpersonal harmony, it may be hard for you to advocate for yourself. In fact, it may be hard for you to clearly see what you want and need versus what your ex wants and needs.
Find some quiet time to list out your priorities. What do you need most right now? Maybe you need more time with the kids. Maybe you need the financial guidance of a CDFA. Write these things down, and treat your priority list as a to-do list. Make it your mission to take care of your top priorities rather than allowing other peoples’ needs and demands to swallow your time and energy.
Self-care
If you didn’t add “self-care” to your list of priorities above, do it now. It’s easy to neglect yourself during divorce, but self-care is essential for physical and mental health. And, by taking care of yourself, you’ll be in a better position to care for others. If this sounds too daunting or time-consuming, download our free worksheet, Designing a Self-Care Plan, for quick tips and ideas.
Recommended reading for ESFJs
- This Is Why You Need a Strategy for Your Divorce
- What Are the Tools in Your Emotional First-Aid Kit?
Conclusion
You know you need to put yourself first right now, but as an ESFJ, that’s not always an easy task. That’s why we created Hello Divorce: to help people like you make it over the divorce hurdle with less stress and overwhelm. To learn more, schedule a free 15-minute call with one of our team members now.
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