Divorce is one of the most challenging of life’s big transitions, and even the friendliest divorce will test the resolve of the most optimistic person. Your expectations didn't pan out, or even if they did – now what?
Finding a silver lining in divorce may seem like an oxymoron. But we’re here to tell you it’s not only possible, it’s important for your well-being going forward. We’re not just talking about trite phrases aimed at positive thinking. We’re talking about recognizing and appreciating how reframing your post-divorce self-talk can help you more easily navigate your experience, no matter how difficult it is.
Is optimism during divorce an oxymoron?
With all the talk of “positivity” today, the term can feel hollow, especially when you’re dealing with something as heart-wrenching as divorce. Divorce is not for the faint of heart, and you already know the pain, confusion, and other myriad of emotions it dumps on you from day to day.
You’ve lost someone you once loved. Your family feels fractured. Many of your hopes and dreams will never come to fruition. Negative emotions stemming from negative events can be so overwhelming that you don’t even bother to look for that tiny sliver of hope.
Unfortunately, negative thoughts often lead to negative outcomes. While it may feel impossible to be an optimist right now, incorporating “learned optimism” tools might help you get through and think differently about your life.
What is learned optimism?
Martin Seligman, a leading mental health pioneer in the field of positive psychology, resilience, and learned behaviors, coined the term learned optimism as a result of his research on the effects of both negative and positive thinking.
Seligman’s initial work was on the theory of “learned helplessness,” referring to someone’s expectation and endurance of unpleasant situations, even when they were totally avoidable. He found that those who suffered from learned helplessness engaged in specific negative self-talk and suffered chronic pessimism as a result.
But what truly made him curious were naturally optimistic people who never seemed to experience pessimism no matter what bad things happened to them. Could naturally negative people change their cognition despite their circumstances?
Seligman found that whether someone reacted positively or negatively to life’s situations had a lot to do with how they talked to themselves and how they interpreted the world around them. Whether someone leaned negatively or positively seemed to come down to how they framed their situation.
- Did they take things personally and feel the situation made them faulty as people, or did they take their experience far less personally, not believing it made them a personal failure?
- Did they feel their negative experience was insurmountable, or did they feel they had some control to make things better?
- Did they see their negative experience as permanent and unchangeable, or did they believe that, given enough time, things would change for the positive?
Seligman’s work on learned optimism suggests that by cultivating more positive self-talk, optimism can be learned and strengthened, much like a muscle. With enough practice and intervention, we can change the way we see our situations and surroundings and talk to ourselves in a different way to cultivate a more positive approach to life.
How to cultivate positivity in yourself and others
Cultivating positivity in your life after divorce will take time and effort. After all, reshaping negative thoughts is difficult enough if that’s how you naturally think, and it’s especially tough after something as emotionally challenging as divorce.
Seligman’s work with learned optimism suggests that positive reframing can help bring more happiness, engagement, and meaning to your life, whether it’s after a negative experience like divorce or just in general.
Cultivating positivity after your divorce could include any of the following:
- Gratitude: While it may be difficult at first, shifting your focus to the things you’re grateful for instead of the things that give you pain reminds you that good still exists in your life. This is just a temporary detour.
- Planning for the future: Instead of staying stuck in the current quagmire, recognize the possibilities that await you, and make plans to pursue new adventures.
- Focus on growth: Instead of seeing your divorce as a failure, try to view it as a stepping stone that will lead you to greater self-discovery, self-esteem, and growth.
- Humor: Divorce isn’t fun, but that doesn’t mean you can’t laugh at some of the escapades that led you here. As you move farther away from this tough life event, you’ll be able to see things in a more humorous light.
- Find support: Support groups, therapists, good friends – surround yourself with people who make you feel whole and good about yourself. Psychotherapy or another type of professional support can offer insight and guidance to help you shift your perspective and see this time as an advantage instead of a stumbling block.
- Mantras, meditation, affirmations: The words we use are powerful, and many people find that using mantras and affirmations help reinforce positive self-talk.
- Surround yourself with positive energy: Your environment affects your mood. Find ways to bring positivity into your surroundings to support your positive emotions and mental reframing.
Embracing an optimistic mindset during and after divorce doesn’t mean you’ll bypass the pain. Grieving your old life will be part of your healing. But employing some optimistic tools can help you remember that this, too, shall pass. This time is difficult, but your whole future lies ahead of you.
At Hello Divorce, we strive to be a helpful and supportive force as you navigate divorce and beyond. We provide affordable online divorce plans, a network of related professional services, and a library of resources to inform and educate you. Schedule a free call to learn more about how we can help.
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