- Communication styles
- Communication and conflict
- How are your repairing skills?
- The Four Horsemen
- Ways couples can break their conflict patterns
What is the key to marital happiness? If we all knew the answer to that – and mastered it so we each had our own happy marriage – there might be a lot less divorce.
As it is, the data about marriage and divorce is somewhat grim. Nearly half of all marriages don’t survive the long haul. Why not? Is there something we can do to build and safeguard a successful marriage?
As it turns out, our communication styles may have something to do with it. While poor communication can be a predictor of divorce, strong communication can be a predictor of marital success.
Let’s take a deeper look at communication styles.
Communication styles
Everyone has their own communication style – their way of expressing themselves and interacting with others. While much of your communication style depends on your inherent temperament and personality, life experience also weighs in. Over the years, your experiences "teach” you what works and what doesn’t.
For example, if you were called selfish by a teacher for being assertive and forthright, you might have “learned” not to be that way. If you were praised by a parent for being “good” and not rocking the boat, you might have learned that passivity was a behavior to strive for.
Indeed, a person's communication style can be the byproduct of many factors.
Communication and conflict
Life is full of conflict, and by extension, so is marriage. Interestingly, studies suggest that long-term marital satisfaction and success directly correlate with how a married couple deals with conflict. If we don’t resolve conflict in positive ways, the relationship is put at risk.
How are your repairing skills?
According to Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, one of the single biggest indicators of long-term marital harmony is a couple’s repairing skills, or how they resolve conflict in their marriage.
While repairing skills rely on a couple’s ability to communicate effectively during conflict, their ability to truly listen, have empathy, and take a loving and proactive approach also matters.
From the 1970s through the conclusion of his research in the 1990s, Gottman studied thousands of couples and tracked how they dealt with marital conflict. During that time, he identified four behaviors he saw partners engage in that predicted divorce with 93.6% accuracy. He coined these behaviors the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
For each horseman, Gottman identified the underlying feelings of the person exhibiting the behavior as well as what he called the “antidote,” or how each could be resolved.
The Four Horsemen
Criticism
Criticism occurs when one partner verbally complains about the other, making them feel small and rejected. Where there is complaining or criticizing, there is usually an unmet need. The antidote is to identify that need and use “I feel” statements instead of “you are” or “you did” statements to express those needs.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. The partner who has been criticized reacts by making excuses and taking the victim role. Sometimes, they reverse the blame. The antidote is looking at the other person’s perspective, validating their feelings, taking responsibility, and apologizing.
Contempt
Contempt occurs when one partner disrespects the other and makes them feel worthless. The antidote is for the contemptuous partner to begin to appreciate their spouse’s good qualities, find gratitude for the positives in the relationship, and start speaking to the other with love and admiration.
Stonewalling
When one partner feels attacked, they may feel emotionally overwhelmed and respond by closing down and refusing to interact to avoid conflict. The antidote is to take a break and find something “self-soothing” or calming and then revisit the issue when they have calmed down.
Ways couples can break their conflict patterns
The conflict patterns mentioned above can become habitual and ingrained in a couple’s communication style. Most couples don’t even recognize these patterns in their communication.
In his studies, Gottman identified specific ways couples could better communicate with each other to break their conflict patterns. These include:
- Responding to each other with genuine interest
- Being attentive to each other and responding to simple requests
- Being kind to each other through appreciation, compliments, and affirmation
- Showing each other affection
- Turning toward each other instead of away from each other during conflict
- Agreeing to deal with each other fairly and respectfully during a conflict
- Giving each other space when they need it
- Willingness to talk about physical intimacy and sexual compatibility issues
- Respect for each other’s boundaries
- Committing to work together before a crisis occurs
- Engaging in more meaningful activities together
Bottom line: Couples can repair their entrenched patterns of conflict by mindfully being kind, interested in, respectful, and appreciative of each other.
It sounds simple, yet patterns of behavior are difficult to break since so much of our communication style has been developed throughout our lives. It becomes our default.
During the first stages of marriage, most of us are floating on a combination of romance and lust. As time goes by, however, the cracks start to show, and we begin to hone in on each other’s imperfections. During times of real conflict, all of our communication tactics, good or bad, come out in full force.
The strongest marriages aren’t between perfect individuals. Often, they are between individuals who have learned to repair their conflicts. The Gottman Method has been used successfully by marriage therapists for several decades.
At Hello Divorce, we’re here to help you live your best life before, during, and after divorce. We offer services, support, and guidance through every phase of your process so you can go forward better equipped to deal with whatever life hands you.
FAQs
How does communication predict marital success?
Couples who communicate with curiosity, clarity, and respect tend to resolve problems faster, feel more secure, and maintain connection over time. Patterns like active listening and collaborative problem-solving are strong indicators of long-term stability.
What communication problems are linked to divorce?
Chronic criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, and avoidance are associated with higher conflict and lower relationship satisfaction, increasing the risk of separation.
Is ‘good communication’ just talking more?
Not necessarily. It’s less about volume and more about quality—listening to understand, choosing calm timing, validating feelings, and working toward solutions together.
Can we improve communication if we’ve developed bad habits?
Yes. With practice, couples can replace unhelpful patterns with skills like reflective listening, time-outs for de-escalation, and structured problem-solving.
Do scripts or rules make conversations feel fake?
Scripts are training wheels. They help you slow down, stay respectful, and cover key points until the skills become natural.
When should we consider outside help?
If conflicts escalate, repeat without resolution, or involve safety concerns, a counselor or coach can provide tools, structure, and a safer space to practice.
Step-by-Step: Communication Habits That Predict Marital Success
Set the stage and timing
Choose a calm, predictable time for talks. Agree on a brief agenda and a time limit so the conversation stays focused and safe.
Lead with understanding
One person speaks while the other summarizes what they heard and validates the feeling behind it before responding.
Name needs and make clear requests
Replace blame with specific, doable requests (what, when, how), keeping tone neutral and solution-focused.
Problem-solve together
Brainstorm two or three options, weigh pros and cons, and pick a small next step you can test this week.
Use de-escalation tools
If emotions spike, call a time-out, practice a pause technique, and resume within an agreed window to finish the conversation.
Close the loop and follow up
Confirm next actions, appreciate each other’s effort, and schedule a quick check-in to review what worked and what to adjust.
