A video introduction to Hello Divorce from our founder, Erin Levine.

Mediation is an informal and voluntary process where couples work with a neutral mediator or mediators to determine how to best restructure their lives and family. The key here is that the mediator, who is often an attorney, acts as a supportive neutral professional to assist you both equally as you work through the process. Unlike in a courtroom where a judge decides who gets what, who pays what, and how you will co parent, the couple gets to make those decisions in mediation.

So if the mediator doesn't make decisions like a judge, what do they do? The mediator is there to guide you and support you through every step of the process. 

Benefits of mediation for divorcing couples

Control

Mediation offers many benefits, the biggest of which is that you retain control over your divorce. You and your spouse will almost always be happier with the outcome if you decide the terms of things like child custody, spousal support (alimony), and property division outside of court. 

Typically in divorce, a judge will step in and make important decisions for you and your spouse if you can’t make them on your own. That’s a total loss of control. But when you go to mediation instead of court, you maintain control over the negotiation process. Hence, you’re better able to achieve your divorce goals. 

Privacy

Mediation allows you to protect your privacy, as any mediated settlement agreement remains confidential. In contrast, when you go before a judge, much of what happens could eventually become public record.

Money

Mediation definitely saves you money. How? If you and your spouse can resolve all of your issues before you go in front of a judge, you’re more likely to have a quick process in court, reducing your expenses. For things like child support, you and your spouse will likely come to a fairer, more reasonable agreement together. Mediation can also help you renegotiate financial matters later as situations change.

Peace

Going through mediation can be a more pleasant experience for you and your spouse than litigation. When you can effectively resolve your conflicts, you can overcome anything. Divorce is an emotionally charged process, but with a mediator guiding you, it’s often much easier to remain calm and reach suitable solutions together and often in a short amount of time.

Note: In cases of domestic violence or other safety concerns, a divorce mediator might not offer enough help. In that case, you may need to seek help from a family law attorney.

Most couples start mediation when they are ready to put together their agreement, which is the last phase of the divorce process. There are typically three phases of divorce mediation.

Mediation: Phase One

The mediator helps you to identify the issues you need to resolve to finalize your divorce. Generally, this includes how you will divide your property and debt, how you will co parent your children going forward, and issues of support, which include both alimony and child support if there are minor children. These are broad strokes, and there can be many sub-issues that fall under these broad categories. But again, that is one of the things that your mediator is there to help you with.

Mediation: Phase Two

Once the issues have been identified, your mediator will give you a general understanding of the laws surrounding those issues and any information you need to consider. They will be presenting that understanding from a neutral viewpoint, but it's important to get this from your mediator because you want the decisions you make to be informed decisions.

Mediation: Phase Three

With this foundation laid, your mediator will help you explore your issues and facilitate discussions about these topics. The goal of mediation is not to find a win for one and a loss for the other. Rather, it's to find the solution that best suits both of you and your family.

Ultimately, as you work with your mediator, you will each identify what you both can and cannot live with and the best way to achieves fairness as the two of you define it.

Couples often mediate to reduce stress and have more control over the divorce process. You and your spouse are the only ones making decisions about what works best for your family.

In a litigated matter (read: both spouses have divorce attorneys who are fighting out the divorce), the ultimate decision-maker is a stranger wearing a black robe. Judges do their best, but they do not know you, nor do they know your family. In mediation, you and your spouse decide what you can and cannot live with and what works for your family going forward.

In the end, study after study has shown that agreements where both spouses participate are the ones that are successful and long-lasting. A mediated agreement gives you the best chance of success as you move past the divorce.

It is possible to do mediation online, which some couples find a huge benefit. Online mediation sessions allow a couple to  conveniently schedule their sessions and participate from their home or office. Regardless of your geographical location, you and your spouse can discuss your divorce and come to agreements face to face. In so many ways, the online platform allows for a more seamless, less stressful process for you both.

In most cases, no, California will not require mediation for divorce. However, there are some child-custody related issues that may mean court-ordered mediation is required.

In California, a judge will order couples to mediate child custody issues if they have minor children together but haven't been able to agree on a parenting plan during their divorce process. Mediation will also be court-ordered if a parent requests any court order related to child custody in California during the divorce process or after the divorce is finalized (meaning the parents haven't agreed on the issue and one parent is taking it to court), or a stepparent or a grandparent has requested visitation with a child.

Parents who don't participate in court-ordered mediation may lose the right to challenge the court's custody orders. At the same time, parents must receive a reasonable amount of time to prepare for mediation, so that they can participate in a meaningful way. Any parent also has the right to take part in mediation of a grandparent's or stepparent's visitation request, but a parent who doesn't participate may not object to a settlement reached during that mediation.

Even though Colorado state law doesn't require judges to order mediation for divorce, in most cases where spouses or ex-spouses have disputes Colorado judges will typically order mediation, and often early in the process.

Colorado courts really want spouses to come to an agreement in their divorce case without litigation and having the courts decide how to split assets and share custody.

If a judge hasn't already referred the case to mediation, one spouse may request a referral order—for instance, if you want to mediate but your spouse doesn't.

If you and your spouse are in an uncontested divorce in New York, you will typically not be required to mediate (though if you need help coming to an agreement so your divorce remains uncontested and out of court, mediation is a great option.)

Since 2019, for contested cases, presumptive mediation is happening more and more in New York. Presumptive mediation is when your contested divorce case is referred to mediation by the court when you file. 

In Utah, mediation is only made mandatory by the court when a divorce is filed with contested issues, meaning you and your spouse have issues upon which you cannot agree.

In such cases, the court mandates at least one mediation session, though you are welcome to participate in more if it’s helpful for you. However, if, after your one mediation session, you don’t feel it’s helpful, the court will move along with the divorce process.

You are required to select and contact a mediator within 15 days of the respondent spouse filing an Answer to the divorce Petition. Then, you must begin the process of mediation within 45 days. Learn more here.