Thinking of divorce? Here's what to know before you decide

How common is divorce, really?

If you're thinking about divorce, know that you are not alone in this moment. The number of people who have faced this same question is enormous, and the fact that you're researching it thoughtfully says a lot about who you are.

According to Pew Research Center, a third of Americans who have ever married have also experienced divorce. In 2023 alone, over 1.8 million Americans went through the process. The overall divorce rate has actually declined since its peak in the early 1980s, which researchers at the National Center for Family and Marriage Research attribute partly to people marrying later in life and making more deliberate decisions about partnership.

The point is not that divorce is inevitable or even likely for your marriage. It's that if you're in this moment, there is a well-worn path through it, and you don't have to figure it out alone.

Signs that divorce may be worth considering

There is no single sign that means "you should definitely divorce." But there are patterns that, when they become persistent and unresponsive to effort, often signal that the marriage has reached a point of genuine incompatibility. A few of the most common ones:

You feel more like roommates than partners

Emotional distance is one of the quietest warning signs. When conversation narrows to logistics, when physical closeness has faded, and when you genuinely don't know what your spouse is thinking or feeling, the emotional foundation of the marriage has eroded. This is different from a rough patch. It is a sustained disconnection that does not resolve with time alone.

Contempt has replaced conflict

The Gottman Institute's decades of research identified contempt, not conflict, as the strongest predictor of divorce. Contempt looks like eye-rolling, dismissiveness, sarcasm, and a fundamental lack of respect for the other person's perspective. Couples who fight, but fight fairly, can often repair. When contempt settles in, the work of repair becomes much harder.

You've tried and nothing has shifted

Couples therapy, honest conversations, time apart, new agreements, and genuine effort are all healthy steps. When those steps have been taken sincerely and nothing changes, that is meaningful data. One person working on a marriage while the other is not is not a marriage being worked on.

There is abuse, coercive control, or chronic infidelity

These are not gray areas. Any pattern of physical, emotional, financial, or sexual abuse is a clear signal that safety comes first. Coercive control in particular can be harder to name because it does not always involve physical violence, but its effects on a person's autonomy and wellbeing are serious. If this describes your situation, please know that specialized support is available.

You keep imagining your life without them and it feels like relief

This one is worth sitting with honestly. The feeling of relief at the thought of separation is not the same as excitement about being alone. It is often a signal from a part of yourself that has been quietly carrying a weight you haven't fully acknowledged yet.

If you recognize these patterns in your marriage, our article on 5 signs you might be headed for a divorce goes deeper on each of them.

Should you try counseling or separation first?

For many couples, the answer is yes, and it is worth understanding what each option actually offers before dismissing or defaulting to it.

Couples therapy

Couples therapy works best when both partners are genuinely invested in trying. It is not a tool for convincing someone to stay married. If one of you has already privately decided to leave, therapy can still serve a purpose: it can help you navigate separation with more clarity and less damage to one another and your children. Our guide to the benefits and limitations of marriage counseling is a useful starting point.

Discernment counseling

If you are on the fence and want help making a decision rather than help saving the marriage, discernment counseling is a short-term, structured process specifically designed for couples where one or both partners are unsure whether to continue. It is not therapy. It is a framework for making a clearer, more grounded choice.

Trial separation

A trial separation can give both people breathing room to evaluate the relationship from a distance. It is most productive when you set clear agreements upfront: where each person lives, how finances are handled, what contact looks like, and what the timeline is for revisiting the decision. Unstructured trial separations tend to create more confusion, not less.

The most common reasons people divorce

Research on divorce consistently surfaces a handful of core themes. Understanding them is not about finding fault. It is about recognizing whether what you are experiencing is a correctable problem or a fundamental incompatibility.

A peer-reviewed study published in Couple and Family Psychology found the most commonly cited reasons for divorce include lack of commitment, communication breakdown, infidelity, and domestic violence or abuse. Studies consistently show that lack of commitment tops the list, with some research finding as many as 85% of divorced individuals naming it as a significant factor.

What divorce actually involves

One of the biggest sources of anxiety about divorce is not knowing what it actually entails. The process varies by state, but here is what most divorces involve at a national level.

Grounds for divorce

Every U.S. state now allows no-fault divorce. This means you do not have to prove wrongdoing to end your marriage. Citing irreconcilable differences or irretrievable breakdown of the marriage is sufficient in all 50 states. Some states still offer fault-based grounds as an alternative, but most divorces proceed on a no-fault basis because it is simpler and less adversarial.

Residency and waiting periods

You must file in a state where you or your spouse have lived for a minimum amount of time, which varies by state (typically 90 days to 12 months). Many states also have a mandatory waiting period after filing before the divorce can be finalized. These waiting periods generally cannot be waived.

What gets decided in a divorce

A divorce settlement resolves four main areas:

• Division of assets and debts: Property, bank accounts, retirement accounts, and any debts accumulated during the marriage. State law determines how this is split. Community property states divide marital assets 50/50. Equitable distribution states aim for a fair but not necessarily equal split.
• Spousal support: Also called alimony, this is financial support from one spouse to the other after divorce. Not every divorce involves spousal support. Courts consider factors like the length of the marriage, each spouse's income, and earning capacity.
• Child custody and visitation: Legal custody (decision-making) and physical custody (where children live). Courts focus on the best interests of the child, and in most cases, both parents remain involved.
• Child support: A calculated contribution from one parent to the other, based on income, time with the child, and state guidelines.

Your divorce options: DIY, mediation, and attorney-led

How you divorce matters as much as whether you divorce. The right approach depends on how complex your situation is, how well you and your spouse can communicate, and what you can realistically afford. Here is a plain-language breakdown of the main paths.

Hello Divorce is designed to serve people across several of these paths. Whether you need a flat-rate DIY platform, access to a mediator, or the ability to hire an attorney for specific tasks without paying for full representation, you can find those resources through our plans and services. You can also explore our full list of divorce services to understand exactly what support is available.

If you have children

For parents, the biggest fear is almost always: how will this affect my kids? It is a completely valid and loving thing to worry about. Research is nuanced here, and it offers some important reassurance alongside honest caution.

Children are not automatically harmed by parents who divorce. What the research is clear on is that sustained, unresolved conflict in the home is the primary source of harm to children, whether parents stay together or separate. Reducing conflict, communicating a consistent message of love, and maintaining stability in routines are the factors most associated with children doing well through a divorce.

Practically speaking, your divorce settlement will include a parenting plan that addresses where the children live, how decisions are made about their education and healthcare, and how time is shared between parents. Our guide to how to talk to your kids about divorce offers research-backed guidance on the conversation itself.

Protecting your finances before you file

Financial preparation is one of the most practical things you can do before a divorce, and it does not require you to have made a final decision. Gathering information now simply means you will be better positioned whatever you choose.

• Know what you have and what you owe. Compile a list of all marital assets (bank accounts, retirement accounts, real estate, vehicles) and all shared debts. This becomes the basis of any property division discussion.
• Understand your own credit. If you do not have credit in your own name, this is a good time to work on establishing it. Divorce often requires financial independence, sometimes quickly.
• Document everything now. Statements, tax returns, pay stubs. Having records is significantly easier before a divorce begins than during it.
• Understand what you earn and what things cost. Many people going through divorce have to build a solo budget for the first time. Knowing what your actual monthly expenses are is essential.

If financial concerns are a barrier to even beginning the conversation, our article on ways to save on divorce costs is a good read. Hello Divorce also offers access to Certified Divorce Financial Analysts if you want professional guidance on the financial picture.

How to take a first step without committing to anything

One of the things people fear most about exploring divorce is that looking into it means they are already decided. It does not. Getting information is not the same as filing. Here is what a first step can look like without any obligation:

Frequently asked questions about thinking of divorce

References & Further Reading

Sources cited in this article and recommended for further reading.

1. 1. Pew Research Center. "8 Facts About Divorce in the United States"
   Key statistics on divorce prevalence and demographics in the U.S. Pew Research Center, October 2025. Accessed March 2026.
2. 2. National Institutes of Health (PMC). "Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention"
   Peer-reviewed research on the most frequently cited reasons for divorce across multiple study populations. Couple and Family Psychology, 2013. DOI: 10.1037/a0032025. Accessed March 2026.
3. 3. National Center for Family and Marriage Research. "Refined Divorce Rate in the U.S.: Geographic Variation, 2024"
   State-level divorce rate data based on American Community Survey findings. Bowling Green State University, 2025. Accessed March 2026.
4. 4. PsychCentral. "Top 12 Reasons for Divorce and Why Marriages Fail"
   Clinical overview of common divorce causes, reviewed by licensed mental health professionals. PsychCentral. Accessed March 2026.
5. 5. Hello Divorce. "Discernment Counseling: Is It Right for You?"
   Guide to discernment counseling as a tool for couples uncertain about whether to pursue divorce. hellodivorce.com. Accessed March 2026.
6. 6. Hello Divorce. "List of Divorce Fees and Costs"
   Comprehensive breakdown of what divorce costs across different approaches and states. hellodivorce.com. Accessed March 2026.